Not sure

I don't really know the direction that I want this blog to go. In fact, my thoughts rarely have any sense of form or collectivness. It usually involves random thoughts that happen to make it from my brain to the keyboard. Blogs are funny things. Even though we want people to read them, sometimes we want to write things that we don't want people to see.

Controlling my thoughts has been quite a challenge this summer. This job teaches me so much about how my thoughts correspond to my actions. If I think about friends back home or activities I would rather do during the day then I usually don't hit my goals for the day. Figuring out how to balance the line of not going crazy and still desiring to do well has been tough the past couple of days. I keep letting my thoughts wander into how much money I'm not making and how much I am spending. It's something that I can't entirely control. I mean sure I could skimp on breakfast and save $5, but that's not the point. I've discovered that I need to just let go of all my fears of the summer. Whatever they are I just need to conquer them. Now. I want to finish strong this summer and to do that I need to just completely trust that the summer will turn out exactly the way it is supposed to.

It's amazing to me that I can learn the same lesson over and over again in one summer. Even day to day or week to week. I know it may be because I'm only human, but sometimes I really think do not understand myself. This summer is supposed to teach me so that I can carry these lessons over into my life after the summer. It's easy to focus on reading good material in the morning and praying daily when you're driving around by your self all day. I'm worried that I'm not really learning all of the things God has in store for me this summer. I need to figure out how to remember and retain different teachings from the summer. Anyway, enough of this pish posh or a blog.

What do I need to really be motivated?

I asked this question the night after I stopped work on Saturday. It was Saturday, the end of the week, and also Independence Day. As I sat on my bed and looked back at the week, I know I didn't give it my best or that I didn't work my hardest. That feeling is what motivates me the most. My summer is not about the money because I have everything I really need. It isn't about Matt anymore obviously because he's gone. So it's pretty much all on myself now. Sure there are still times when I want to quit, they occur daily. I just have to keep telling myself that I could never face my family or friends if I did. I would not be able to face the fact that I quit simply because it was hard. There would be no other reason.

Anyway, enough mental talk. Today was absolutely nuts. Austin and I have to get North Dakota state permits to sell and also city permits. We drove to Bismark to get our licenses (which is an hour and a half drive). We left straight from our HQ and drove there, got our stuff taken care of and went back home to start working. Well I went to City Hall only to discover that we had the wrong paperwork and didn't really get our state license. I drove back to Bismark only to discover that I could not get my permit until the Southwestern Company sent in a Surety Bond to back me. So 463 miles later, I started working outside of the city and finished the day with a sale. Even after all that frustration and crazy amount of driving, God still decided to bless me with success. Someone said this last week, "Success is being right in the center of God's will." How true that is. I want that so badly, but in order to get it, I have to give up everything. It's a tough process, but he's slowly churning my soul like butter. That really doesn't make sense, but this is my blog so who cares?

So my address is wrong.

I was wondering why I hadn't gotten any mail the whole time I had been here. I asked Bernie what the mailing address was and he told me that they had a PO box. Good. So I have to go get one of those on monday. If you sent me something, it probably will be returned. Sorry...