Asbury Peace

I really got a sense of peace this weekend.

For my fall break this weekend, I went to the University of Tennessee at Knoxville. As you may have read in past blogs, that is where I longed to go. I wanted to get the freedom of the real world, without real consequences. I wanted to have the typical get drinking and partying experiences that so many other people have.
Well this weekend, all that changed. I visited some friends that were having those exact experiences. The more I hung out with them the more I realized that what they were doing was definitely not my scene. I just felt so out of place. While all of them are extremely kind and cool, I just did not want to be a part of their drinking and really their lifestyle.
So, as hard as it may be to say this, I'm glad that God led me to Asbury. He knew that if I did experience those things, then after it was all said and done, I would have realized that I just wasted four years of my life. Through this simple weekend, he gave me a glimpse of what i'm "missing".

NOTHING.

Everything I need is right here. God has finally let me accept that, and it is truly a great feeling. Also I think it needs to be clear that i'm not saying what they do is wrong, because I do plenty of things that are considered wrong also. I just feel that their lifestyles are not what God has in store for me. I hold no grudges against UT or any of the people there, I just know now that God wants me at Asbury.

P.S. I almost died trying to take these pictures so enjoy them...:)

The Asbury Cycle

Well it's that time again. The down time at Asbury. One of my professors was talking today about how people just get on their blogs and whine about life. So if you don't want to hear that don't read my blog. I feel like this is the one place i can truly express how i'm feeling, whether it be confusion, happiness, anger, frustration, or anything.

Tonight is a night where i really feel out of it. I feel like Asbury is not the place for me. Perhaps it is because I am not trying hard to fit in, but it's hard to reform yourself to try to be interested in things that others like. I mean maybe it's not necessarily the activities, but even just the way the people here are. Like I wanted to ask someone to go see Across the Universe with me, but there was no one that I could think of that would want to go and enjoy the movie. So I went by myself, which here i'm not looking for sympathy, but it just goes to show that I feel out of place here. Another feeling is tonight at Wiley's bonfire. There were groups of people that knew each other and hung out all the time. I knew a few people in each group, but don't really know any of them. THey do'nt try to include me and I don't try to fit in with them just because i'm not interested in the same things they are interested in. So many times I would try to be a part of their groups, but why should i be changing to fit their molds, why can't i just find people that think and act and do the same things that I do. That is what I don't like about this small strang school. The education is suberb here i have no doubt about that. But as far as preparing me for how the real world is going to treat me, I feel so robbed of those lessons.

Even my dad said it. At this time it would be better for me to get into trouble here under these conditions rather than in the real world. Now is the time to make mistakes and learn from them. Now is the time to learn how you function on 3 hours of sleep. Now is the time to work on your decision making skills. Not the time for a curfew and student activities that shove praise services down your throat. While it is good that Asbury offers these praise services, I just feel like they never offer anything else. Honestly i'm not ready for that. I want to have fun right now. Maybe if I truly dedicated my life to God then I would not care about the events I was partaking in, but the fact of the matter is that I am not totally committed to God, and I'm not ready to be. Why try to be something that i'm just not either mature enough, or simply want to do.

So through all this it's just basically frustration of not being able to make my own decisions and the limited amount of freedom I have at Asbury. I know that it is important for me to have this education, and for that reason, i'm here.

Advice

I always feel that I love to help people with their problems. I can usually come up with something insightful or helpful, but the worst feeling for me is when I can think of nothing. Nothing or giving advice that sounds like a Hallmark card just gets me so mad at myself. I want to always help people and when they go through something that I feel like I can't help them with I feel like I'm not helping them in the way that they need me.

Done.

Just when I thought the major was decided.

So I've gone through my career counseling for probably 5-6, maybe more, weeks now. It has been really great. I have taken tests that help me find my interests, strengths, and skills.

I've got the idea that I would like to be involved in some type of sales. It just makes sense. I love new things and learning about them, talking to people, and money. I guess it still sounds like a vague plan and that's because it is. I also like the idea of being bilingual. The problem now is picking one of the three majors. I have to choose between Spanish, Business, or Communication. I would like to hook two together but I just have to survey all my options.

Wish me guidance from God that helps me in my decision.

Hard Times...Not the book by Dickens

Alright well here is something that I need help understanding. I'm not trying to boast, I'm simply trying to understand what some people think. For me if things get tough, I do talk to other people about them and sometimes want to quit, but it takes a lot to make me actually quit. Take for example school work. In the past three weeks I've had 2 papers due, and 4 tests. It gets pretty tough, but I always know that finishing those assignments are just something that has to get done. I put it in my mind that there is no choice. That's just how I operate.

and all of a sudden i wanted to change my font a little.

What I don't understand are the people that bring it upon themselves to tell others how horrible their life is. When I hear things that some people complain about like having a lot of work due and feeling like they can't do it just baffles me. I don't understand how they feel that way. Sometimes you might feel overwhelmed but always just keep your mental motivation up and I think you'll be fine. That is all.

P.S.

I'M GOING TO SEE kANYE wEST TOMORROW IN nASHVILLE!!! I get to see Brannon and folks. It's gonna be HoT!!

Awkward People Meets

Alright so I was thinking today about how many people that I know of on campus, but don't really know. It is also awkward when you know a person through someone else, for example your best friend hangs out with someone so you know their name and hear stories about them but have never actually introduced yourself. It's kinda awkward I'm not gonna lie. What is even worse is after you talk to them about something you have in common. Here's my real life example.

There is a girl on the tennis team that I know who she is, but have never been really introduced to her. She knows of me I'm sure also. Anyway I was talking to her tonight about the new tennis coach and she was talking to me as well. After I left I realized that now it would be quite strange if I was like, "oh yeah and my name is Holland. I'm not sure if we've ever actually been introduced."

Does that make sense?

It just seems strange to me the round about way I meet people. I wish that everyone one would introduce themselves to me and I would introduce myself to them the first day. At least from then on I could say, oh yeah you don't remember me but we did meet I promise. Lol. That's kinda funny. Any way I have another thing I want to write about immediately after this. So, by the time you read this one, you'll have to scroll back up and read the other one. Sweet huh? OH yeah....

The Importance of Letters

So today, I was thinking about how we communicate with our friends. There are

phone calls, email, and so many other communication mediums.

One that is not as popular to use, but really awesome when you receive is good old fashioned snail mail. Think about how much more meaningful a real paper letter is compared to an image on a computer screen. While the content can be the same, the effort to sit down are write the letter can mean so much more.
While this is indeed a very random thought, it has inspired me to want to write more letters. I want people to know that I'm taking time to think about them enough that I would take more time and effort into keeping in touch with them. Please don't see this as a way for me to boost myself up and claim to be a better friend or something like that. I only want to be real. I want to truly show that they have certain place in my life and that I want them to feel cared about.

Porque hoy que nececitamos. Haha, that was supposed to say, Because that is what we need.

Everyone wants to feel loved and to love other people. We want to konw that people care about us and are actually wondering how others are doing. I hope this has inspired you to write more letters, or at least to stay in better touch with your friends, if not then that's fine too, maybe you didn't need inspiration. For me it was like a revelation.

Apathy

So I'm back in that mood. It's that mood where I feel lazy and tired, and just out of it. I feel like I just don't get as close to people as I would like to be. People I hang out with are just that, people that go to the same events as me. Sometimes I will talk to them and they won't even acknowledge that I'm speaking to them. It can be frustrating. I know people do like me, but it's just hard to go from close awesome friendships at camp to the lonely feeling I have at Asbury. I'm not trying to say that I don't like anyone here, or that I don't like Asbury. I do. I like the people and the things I have experienced so far. I just want them to get better. I want friendships to develop and mainly just to enjoy my time here. Maybe it seems like I'm whining and I apologize if this is so, but this is the only place I can be completely honest and open about how I feel.

Big Girls Don't Cry

Haha. Funny title I know, and maybe not funny as in haha, but maybe as in wierd.

I woke up this morning with so much peace and serenity (hence the title, that's what it made me think of). I just felt like I'm where I'm supposed to be with the people I should be with. That doesn't mean I can't have friends in other places, just that for now, these are the ones that should be in my life a lot. I do miss my friends Joey and Macie, but I feel like this weekend made us even closer, if that's possible.

I talked with my RD last night just about some things going on with school and how my relationships with my parents were. For me it always helps to talk to someone who doesn't really know you, but knows exactly what you are going through. He or she can present a side of the story that you may not see and give you great advice as to what you should do. It's also just nice to be able to say what you want to say and tell someone all the crap that you feel is pushing you down. In the end, most of that "crap" is stuff that isn't that big of a deal, but still it's nice to be able to tell someone about it and have them truly listen and understand what you are saying.
The End.

Piano

I want to be able to play piano like a professional. Ok so I don't want to be that good because then my life would slowly disappear into the piano keys, but after going to Regina Spektor and hearing her music, I became inspired. I practices playing smooth and nice today.
It was fun. I want to be able to go into a practice room and play what I feel, not Casey Jones. But it's baby steps first, then the big leaps. If you want to get an idea of how good I want to be then search for David Sides on youtube. He's amazing. That's all I got for now. peace

Mixed Feelings

So Joey and Macie left about an hour ago now. It made me very sad to see them go, but all good things must come to an end right? Well maybe not, but this one did. It sucks. I'll be honest, there are a ton of things running through my mind. Some things are goals, life questions, life directions, how to deal with my parents, my true feelings, friends, and some other stuff.
The main thing is trying to deal with how I feel about my family. My interactions with my family have done nothing but push me away from them in this past year. I want to enjoy spending time with them, but every time I'm around them I feel bored, trapped, different, and annoyed. This sounds horrible, but it's how I feel. I know they love me and I love them, but I feel like it's time for me to go and make my own life now, and they want to keep helping me. While I appreciate their concern and will listen to their input, they need to understand that I may choose another way. It may be harder, but at least it's what I want. If they want to make me happy it may take some sacrifices that hurt from their part. At the same time if I truly wanted my family to be happy then I feel like I would need to do exactly what they say, which takes away from MY experiences. It's frustrating for sure.

I also want to be in school. I like school. I would even go as a far as saying that I'm starting to enjoy Asbury a little more. I've made some really good friends and the small campus is nice ...at times. So school is becoming more important to me. I want to learn now. I want to be successful after college.

I don't really know where I was going with that ^ but the beauty is that it doesn't matter. These blogs don't have to make sense, it's just a place where you can get a glimpse of what kinds of things are going on in my head. I'll be back later.

Life now

So let me just take this first blog to explain some stuff about myself right now. I am attending Asbury College with an undecided major. I'm taking a lot of different classes to try to narrow my selection to a single field. I'm also in what's called "career counseling." It's nice really. It sounds silly, but my counselor, Melanie Noble, is so easy to talk to and she seems to really want to help me as quickly as possible.
I'm taking 19 hours this semester so that next semester will be a light load and hopefully I can get ahead in my total hours. 19 hours is tough I won't lie, but honestly I think it will be worth it. I don't really know what else I wanted to say here, but maybe i'll come and write more later.