Verbal thinking

So the comment that Jack left on my last post really got me to thinking. I do love to talk out loud and bounce off ideas. The problem comes when I change my mind about something that I was just talking about and don't tell the receiver of the last message. I feel like that happens a lot, but I don't want to appear the type of person that always flip flops or is apparently unstable. It would be much easier if I could wear a sign that told the world my plight. Perhaps that is the root of why I don't usually like to talk things out with people. Usually conversation comes about from an issue, and then the natural tendency is to fix it. What happens in my situation is that all the parties involved in the conversation narrow down a few of many possible solutions. We plan a course of action and then I leave the group to think on my own. After all the talking I begin to wander down all of the avenues previously discussed and realize that I want to take an entirely different route. It's crazy and I'm sure it's frustrating to most people, but that's me. You would think that now that I know this about myself I would try to express it in a better way, but here lies another dilemma.

I feel like over the years from not reading books and relying on shortcuts in writing that my ability to intelligently and effectively communicate has dwindled. Every time I write a paper for a class I know that the sentences have poor structure, are wordy, or just plain bad. When I try to express myself all that comes out are cliches and stupid metaphors. I admire people so much that are purely intelligent. I love listening to conversations that are witty and quick. When people are able to describe with an unlimited vocabulary and make their statements so clear it just excites me. I have this craving desire to become intellectual again. It's strange just like my scenario above, but this one is an easier beast to take on.

Finally, sPain.
"Don't leave your last semester!"
If I hear that one more time I'm transferring or dropping out. Not really, I'm being dramatic. I just don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to have to make decisions or to worry about things. I just want God to clearly lay out my life and give me an either-or situation. I want security in knowing that I'm making the right decisions and surrounding myself with the right people and the right situations. Will my parents have to spend more money even though I could have graduated in December and saved them $11,346? Am I going to be that selfish? The thing that really sucks is I feel as if I don't appreciate my parents enough right now and in a few years I'm going to feel terrible about it. I feel it, but I don't act on it. I know that I'm stupid for spending money and not really caring about my grades, but right now it's so hard to get out of this cavern of myself. I can see the opening that can take me to color and out of dreariness, but instead I just choose to stay here. So stupid.

Yes Spain will be a life-changing experience, but it will also be so hard to just cut off interactions with people from Asbury until I come back to graduation. Then, I will never see some of those people ever again! How ridiculous and crazy is college. Best time of our lives, well right now it's just so much to handle. I don't want sympathy and I don't want advice. All I want is to move to the next chapter. I just want to skip ahead a little and leave all this crap behind. I want to move to marriage, steady job, whatever that looks like. I'm not desperate for wife, but I am ready to see what she and my kids look like. It's like I'm wishing for a ten year advance on my life. The card that says, move ahead ten spaces. Just get me out of right now. That's what I really feel like. I love my blog because I can truly write anything and then leave it. I don't have to erase it or hide it, whoever wants to read it can, but then I don't have to care about it. It's done, out there, public, and I do not care. It's great. Thanks Jack for helping me to see how this can be a sort of exercise for my decision making. If I don't feel like talking to someone, I can simply write it down and think through it somewhat on my own.