안녕하세요!

Whew, it only took me like 30 seconds to type that title! I'm getting better haha. Yeah, btw I'm in Korea. I started another blog and thought that I would ditch this one, but I just can't. It's so relieving to be able to write freely where people read what you write, but you don't know. It's like a listening ear but you can't see them. It reminds me of a confessional without the confessions.

Anyway, I'm in Korea. It's awesome, fun, cold, my apartment is great. I love almost everything about Korea. It can be frustrating to go out with your friends and be treated like a really stupid native. People are always talking to me in Korean and assuming I know their culture. Which makes sense because I mostly look the part. All in all, it's not so bad. I just have to explain why I'm not speaking back to them in Korean or why I look like I'm a rude Korean.

I love that Korea is so modern and efficient. Most people are friendly and I really like so many things here. I already feel like I could be here for a few years, but at the same time I would like to start settling down. It's amazing to me that 23 feels so old. I feel like my time is running out already and if I stay here another 2-3 years so much of my life will be gone. I need to stop and rationalize that I could possibly die tomorrow, but more than likely I will live till I'm like 100! So instead of trying to push my life into a mold I just need to relax and let it be. Thanks for hearing me out. I'm sorry it wasn't that informative or inspiring. Sometimes I just need to talk to myself to clear things up.

Ok wow.

It's been a long time. yes. ok, moving on!

For those of you who do not know, I'm back in McKenzie, TN. I am living with my parents trying to save money so that I can go to Korea to teach English. All of this has come up in the last 2-3 months and I'm actually really excited about it. Living at home has been ok, I have taken quite a reduction in pay. I get paid by the hour now instead of by the table. The job is boring, but in a town of 5,000 at least it's a job. My expenses are nearly zero so that helps tremendously. Plus I can hang out with my nephew. He's a blast, except when you want to sleep in.

I still am somewhat distant from God, but I feel like going to Korea is part of his plan. Just before I left Lexington he introduced me to a friend named Charles who was Korean. He was able to help me talk to the Korean consulate because the lady's English was T.e.r.r.i.b.l.e. Seriously, so bad.

Now that I've moved back home I've met not one, not two, but three Koreans! They all showed up this year. One is a freshman and speaks very little English, but he is pretty cool. The other two are married. Their names are Joseph and Jay Won (girl). They speak very good English and can hopefully help teach me to speak some Korean before I leave.

So there's a quick update on life. I'm waiting for my FBI background check which takes a minimum of 8 months to process. I sent in my application at the end of July...Then I will have to find a school, apply, get accepted, get my visa acceptance number, then pack and go to Korea.

On another note, I went to my alma mater's first home football game tonight. I saw a few old friends and it felt so strange to look out on the field. It seems so much smaller now that I've left and come back. The kids look so young and the field looks so small. All I could think about tonight was how different it felt. I had no sense of insecurity or wondering what people thought of me. I have realized that I am happy with who I am and do not seek approval from any of those people anymore. If only I knew that in high school things would have been so much different, but oh well. I did have fun and it was good catching up with the folks that stayed in McKenzie. Hopefully I will write more now that I have some free time. That's it for now!

Long Overdue

Wow there are so many stories, adventures, problems, false starts, and endings that I haven't filled you in on. For that I apologize, but these past few months have been some of the best I've ever had.

Tomorrow I will say good-bye to my BFINLTF (best friends in life thus far). I know there will be more and I know life will move on. It always does. This time it seems like a real ending though. After I was done with college I knew that I could drive up and see all my friends here in Lexington. Now everyone is going there separate ways. I'm happy for everyone, but also a little discouraged at the fact that I am in pretty the same place that I was last year. I finished a job and now am trying to start another one. Korea is just taking soooo long. Oh yeah, I'm trying to teach English in Korea. The FBI background check is what's taking so long. That is another post that will be super long, but this one is thinking about how awesome these last few months have been. Great friends, Coca-Cola, and such good memories. Thanks everyone who I got to share this time with. I will miss you.

Peace like a river

This is the title of an awesome song by Andrew Ripp. He's an artist similar to Dave Barnes and Ben Rector. Almost a Kidd Rock sounding voice, but smoother and happier. His songs were not very appealing to me at first, but the more I've heard him, the better I like his music.

Time for another update to my somewhat boring, but happy life. I decided on Monday that I will not be selling books. I am going to stay in Lexington and do...something. Yes you will see me at Asuka most nights, but hopefully I can find something to transition into. Don't get me wrong the money is great and there is no greater feeling than beating someone at golf. However, I cannot do this forever and feel like I'm doing God's will. It's been a while since I've really gone to church. I went and sat a few times, but didn't really pay attention. This last Sunday I couldn't help but pay attention. I went to the Vineyard in the morning and the sermon was all about "Discovering God's Will." If that isn't a billboard from God to me I don't know what is.

Honestly it seems like the past few months I just have continually drifted from God. Why? Because it's way easier to just not be committed and float through life. Have fun, spend money, be careless. In the long run I'm still just as unsatisfied as I was the day before. I do not want this to sound as if I simply had nothing better to do so I decided to give God another shot. Perhaps I'm too open on my blog, but honestly this is the one place where I can really decompress all my thoughts without troubling other people to actually respond. It's like a place to release all of my thoughts and then think more about them once they are down.

Ok I'm losing track of where I wanted to go with this. I need God and I know that, but it just seems so strange sometimes to think that someone loves me so much that they just want to spend time with me. Why can't God be like my physical best friend. Doesn't he know my love language is quality time? haha just kidding. (that was for you J.B.).

Freedom

I love listening to Hillsong. It's so relieving. I don't even know if that sentence is correct but it's how I feel.

All things on my mind.

I feel like I'm graduating again. Not in the sense that I am super stressed trying to finish up finals. It's different this time. Almost like I have those nervous feelings all over again. So many questions.

"What will I do in 6 months?"
"Where will I live?"
"Who will I meet?"
"How the heck am I going to make money?"

There are more, but why bore you with those. All this to say I'm wondering about the timing of my life. Sometimes I just want to fast forward and be past all of this indecision and freedom. Can I go to Florida tomorrow and chill out for the next two week? Sure I can, but should I? Should I waste my money on relaxing at this age? I told my boss I wanted less hours thinking I could find sooo many other things to do.

Here's what I've discovered about free time. It's only good if other people have it too. (Side note: this is coming from an extreme extrovert). For example, I could have had lunch with people today, watched movies, read a book, played games, or just drove around. Instead I spent much of the day to myself. I enjoyed it as I think everyone needs time alone, but after about 2 hours of it, I was sick of it. Why do our wants and desires have to be what we always don't have. Why can't I just be satisfied with what I have and what I'm doing? Perhaps it's because I am really not doing anything. I want so much to do nothing, but whenever I have the freedom to do nothing I crave excitement and something new.

It's so easy for most people to just tell me that I have time or that God will have a great plan. I am not doubting God, merely trying to speed up his plan. Yes I know that it won't work and that his time is the best time, but right now it kinda sucks. Just writing how I feel.

What to do?

Back to square one. The Navy has gone through several budget cuts and are no longer accepting new applicants until August. No so far away right? Right, except that I've been working on this "application" for several months now and still have not even gone before the boards. I feel as if I'm supposed to move on. I really just want to move to a beach and find a sales job. Is sales hard? Yes. Does it suck getting rejected? Yes. Does it help me grow as a person and always remain positive? Yes.

Therefore I am selling books again. I'm only going for 6 weeks, but I'm going to try sell more books in 6 weeks than I've sold in 12 weeks. In fact if I hit my goal of 3,700 units then I will have sold almost more than my first and second summer combined. I'm excited because we are going to D.C. this summer.
"Wait, didn't he say that last year?"
Yes I did, but it's for real this time. It will be the best 4th of July ever. Not to mention my best summer ever because I'm actually preparing myself to go sell. In past years I've always procrastinated and told myself I was going to get ready but failed to. This summer is different because I want to prove to myself that I can be as successful as I want. I am also planning on earning enough money to go to Europe. Yes that was also in my plan last year, but I'm more ready this year.

What will happen after the 6 weeks and euro trip?
I
Have
No
Idea.

Awesome huh? The good news is that I'm really at peace with it. I am confident I can do anything I want, but I just have to figure out exactly what I want. If you have any awesome ideas of what I should do let me know.

Taylor Swift

This happens with every new album. I start to listen a a few songs and don't really like the rest. The next thing I know the whole CD plays through and I catch myself wanting to listen to another song, then another, then another, and I end up liking every song.

On another note, Grant, my old roommate got me started playing guitar. It's hard. Very hard. I sound terrible right now, but thanks to Ms. Swift I can almost play through an entire song, "Speak Now," is actually pretty easy.

Switching gears again, I took the Navy test for a second time and did much better. I scored 9 points higher giving me a 54 out of 80 instead of a 45. They told me it's actually quite difficult to score about a 55 so I feel decent about my score. A few more options opened up, and I'm still trying to figure out which one would be best for me. The strange thing is that the earliest I can leave is August or October. It will be so strange having a summer that is actually normal. I am usually working a job that occupies every minute of everyday with not much free time haha. Every since I was 13 I've worked away from home. It started with Camp Greystone and evolved into selling books. I have to be honest, as crazy as it sounds, I'm going to miss selling books. There's something so rewarding about always thinking positive and really getting on a tight schedule of reading and work.

Off to bed for me.

We know what we want to know.

I don't know if this happens to you all much but it seems to me that recently I have been asking questions I already know the answer to. It's like when you ask yourself what you should do and then don't like the answer you come up with so you ask someone else in hopes to get a different one. Basically it's a way that I procrastinate doing what I know is right. Even if someone did give me different advice, I would still feel guilty following their advice because deep down I knew the right answer all along. And that is where I am with this current decision. It cannot be.