Don't know why

Why is it that I never focus on endings. I know that this semester will end in about a week but I haven't really accepted it yet. I postpone my thoughts and continue through life as if nothing will change. While this is fun for the moment, when it does end it's going to be quite abrupt. Why do I do this? Why don't I prepare myself mentally and emotionally for the endings that are coming. It would make things easier for sure. Marketing sucks.

I told you so.

So the last line of my blog was that today would be different. Honestly the day as a whole was not different, my attitude still wanted to be pissed. Well luckily, I proved that I learned something from last summer. I am in control of my emotions. In life we have to control the controllables and let everything else go. It is so not worth it to worry about things that are out of our hands. We cannot control other people's attitudes, the weather, or the fact that bad things will happen to us. As humans we are capable of creating a great attitude or outlook regardless of all those things previously mentioned. So I did. I wanted to stop being thick headed and just enjoy these last couple of weeks. Why? because that way I can have an enjoyable summer and an enjoyable next semester.

Another thing, is the wonderful world of communication. I am so thankful that I am a communication major and that I am able to learn things in class that are applicable to my life right after class. Granted sometimes it takes me a while to really learn them, but it pays off. When you realize that talking things out really does help, then you realize how dumb you have been for not expressing yourself. It's not enough just to write about it on this blog, or in your head or to other people. You have to go straight to the source. If you have a conflict with someone tell them, not their friends, go directly to them and straighten it out. It simplifies life and reduces the drama. That's all, time to go read, go to bed, and possibly post tomorrow!

Seriously WTF.

Sometimes God really pisses me off. Today we learned about how music affects us in my narratives class. We listen to angry music when we're upset, music that pumps us up before a game and i'm sure a lot of other examples.
-side note: i hate it when people give fifty million examples to explain their point. we get it. move on.
Anyway, at my meeting with Nate tonight, he talked about how during the summer he would listen to praise music because it was so hard to be upset or angry or distressed while listening to praise music. Well I tested that theory tonight and the way things worked out just are beyond my comprehension. How is it that I can turn on a song after being stressed and wanting to just be pissed off and then the song talks about exactly what I'm going through. It talks about controlling our environment and wanting to understand everything. The singer says that his answers are going to be good for me. We crave instant answers and all-knowing information, but we can't do that until we build our relationship with him. I can tell others how much God is doing in my life but do I believe it? Do I want it? No not really. Why does he have to do that? Why can I just not be pissed for a while. Let me be angry or upset, don't guilt trip me to feel like you are always looking out for me. I don't want to accept that yet. I don't want you to care right now. The confusion and stress going into this summer is unlike any I have ever had. I want to be ready for the summer, but this summer is going to be hard in many ways.

Crazy blog i know. it'll change tomorrow.

Memory

So I just had one of best conversations of my college career, but there were so many topics there is no way that I could regenerate it. In fact, I don't know that I'm supposed to be able to. Maybe it was just one of those conversations that you figure things out and then they become part of you so much so that you don't even realize it did. Got it? That was a little confusing.

I know that I should be doing case study number 13 for my HR class, but instead I'm learning about relationships,society, stress,the past, God, and what is really important in life. I highly doubt that I will learn and retain as much as I just did in the past hour and a half. There's so much going through my head that I want to translate here, but I wouldn't even know where to begin. Also there are parts that simply cannot be displayed due to the nature of my viewers. The most important thing I learned is that when you know you're accepted by God and you really feel it, you won't worry or care about what other people think. All of the feelings of comparison to others or living up to the standards of our society vanish. Once you find that little sliver of security, it blasts into every area of your life. Find a way to reveal that you are loved and believe it. Once you do, life becomes more fun.

Thanks to my friends who help me find the type of love God shows each one of us. I know each of us hears this over and over, but only once you experience it will you understand why so many people are talking about it. The feeling of acceptance and self-worth is an awesome thing.

Owl city

So my friend Jack showed me this band called Owl City. They are so awesome! They're laid back electronic style just goes well with whatever you are doing at the time. For example, after work tonight at about 11:45 I went on a run. Yep it was so nice outside and I just needed to get away for a while. Kind of like relieving pressure and stress by doing something that literally created tired feelings which lead to relaxation. It was so peaceful and perfect running in the dark. I felt alone but it was a good kind of alone. I think I've been craving that time all week and I finally gave it to myself. I also went to the tennis courts and just sat. I wanted to listen and hear enlghtening words that would confirm my actions I life. No obvious messages came but I understand and accept some things better now. I'm ready for a new chapter I suppose.

What's that you say?

You like my title and new set up don't you? Haha that's because one of the greatest designers in the world did it. Yep Kate Brannen! Thanks for the facelift Kate.

What to say at a time like this? School is winding down, but my want to stay is winding up. The fun I've had in college is so amazing. Even though I have one whole year to go, it still seems like not enough time. It's soooo short. Sooo fast. Ridiculous. Also, I should have you know that I have 7 questions and a journal entry due for my 9 o'clock but for my fans who read this page, I have an entry for you. I don't really know what to say, I keep saying that, but it's the truth. So much is inside of me but I do not have any idea who to talk about it with. Sure there's my parents, but they have biased views of me and know what type of choice I would normally make. That probably means they will predict based on previous instances. Not what I want. Next there are tons of friends here, but I'm going to be around and with them for the next year. Can I tell them? I'm not sure. All I know is I need to find someone soon or else I'm going to runaway.

I realized that I have a tendency to run. If things get tough I ignore them or run away. When relationships get hard or difficult it is so much easier to forget about them and make new ones. How do we balance being selfish and finding our own needs? Why can't someone just tell me what to do right now. That was pointless, but it pretty much sums up how I'm feeling. Happy, but confused. Yearning but struggling. Time to do school work...I'll be back

I can't stay away!

Here I am in bed again. I find that blogging at the end of my day helps me to see what I have accomplished or thought about during my day. Today I had thoughts but I also spent nine hours of my day with my friends. How awesome and ridiculous is that? The funny thing is that we didn't do anything spectacular or what most would qualify as fun. We just spent quality time together and talked. I wish all of my relationships could involve going somewhere and just talking. Anyway I'm just so thankful that I have such enjoyable friends. The only thing I have to worry about now is my last few weeks of schoolwork...to orrow is hump day woohoo!

Judgment?

As a disclaimer, this could be a judgment I am passing onto others and if that is the case I apologize. I realize that I am quite faulty myself, but this is something that I do and I noticed others doing a lot recently. Here goes:

The topic of today is criticism for the sake of humor. Have you ever noticed how often we strive to make people laugh. I love it when people find joy from what I say or do. Perhaps that why many see me as spontaneous, simply because I am trying at every moment to please people. Today we were talking about Katy Perry's song, Hot and Cold. (should that be in italics?? who cares, it looks right.) The joke was made that the song mirrored someone else's relationship. That the couple was together then not together, in and out, up and their down, breaking up then getting back together and so on. The statement was meant to be funny in that saracastic sort of tone. You know the conversation that goes, "Oh yeah that song is just like *so and so's* relationship. Haha." Why do we do that? And why is it that humor often stems so much easier from the misfortunes of others. We laugh when someone looks different, falls down, etc. Perhaps I'm reading into this too much and am just in one of those moods where I feel sorry for everyone and want to change the world. Anyway, I hope whoever is reading this, if anyone thinks about the topic.

So much to blog, if only I could remember.

I always have so many things to blog about during the day, but as soon as I get on I can't remember one thing. Luckily I kept repeating it to myself until I got home so I could write about it. So here we go. Can you imagine life without your faith? A friend and I were talking about this the other day. Who would you turn to when times got tough? When bad things happened how would you cope? It seems like we have it so much easier since we have Christ. It's incredible really.

I am back home for Easter break now and I went to the local Movie Gallery to rent a movie. I saw an old friend from high school that I hadn't seen since sophomore year. His name is Lamon. We never really spent time outside of school, but he was just one of those joyful people. He was easy to talk to, funny, but unfortunately came from a not so good home I think. When I saw him tonight I couldn't believe that I was seeing him, and I think he felt the same way. We made small talk about life right now and he told me that he had three kids! He's a year older than me, but still that is crazy. He said he just had a baby girl a few days ago. I then pried and asked if he was married. He basically said no because it would be more drama if he was married. I wanted to say more, but couldn't come up with words and didn't really want to feel like I was preaching to him. I just stopped and found it interesting of his view of marriage. His life right now would be so difficult I feel like. I mean where does he get motivation? How is he always so happy? I want to be like Lamon, only with God as my focal point. Maybe this is really cliche or wishful thinking, but it seems so easy. I don't really know what I'm trying to say as usual. Hope you enjoyed it.

Again

Two days in a row impressive huh? I find it very easy to blog just before I go to bed. All my thoughts from the day are unwindng and I have to use my iPod to sleep because my nieghbors love to play the guitar into the late hours of tomorrow when I should be sleeping. That being said I want to blog more go remember more. I want to learn from my mistakes. I want to watch how God answers prayers. I also want to just talk more and get these feelings and thoughts out.

All right well tonight my friend and I discovered that I like to skip on to new things frequently, including relationships. It could be because of hurt from past relationships, having to actually work at the relationships or something else. Anyhow I don't want to let myself take an easy way out or to just abandon people because things get hard. I think it will b a great thing for me to be conscious of and to really work on.

iPod post

I just realized that I can blog from my iPod touch. I love everything about apple products. They are so useful and efficient. Now on to real business. I love finding people that you can feel comfortable around. Believe it or not in the past two or three weeks I have an awesome group of people. I didn't really plan or try to make it happen but I m so glad in did. The real reason i'm writing this blog is to be thankful and to use my iPod ha ha j/k. In my last blog I talked about enjoying the spontaneity of life. The times when you feel so happy and really forget about the 20 pages you should be writing. Instead you get to rePly get to know somone or maybe a lot of someones. The sad part is that it will end. Summer is coming so quickly and I want to spend as much time with all my friends as possible. I k ow we'll be back next semester,but I don't want to wait that long. When I get to hang out and talk about future wives or cars or the way we want to live it excites me. It makes me look forward to life and the things to come. The relationships that God has then me this semester make me want to never grow up and for us to get stuck in a time space contiuum. I don't know if I spelled that right but who cares. I'm trying to be deep right now. All I really want to do is say thanks to the people in my life right now that are bringing so much joy and woo hoo to me. That is all.

Assignment Avalanche/Stars

I found out that Microsoft Word now allows you to write something, then publish it on your blog. So I'm trying it out now. I hope that it doesn't seem clichéd or sappy, but more of a reminder. I'll be back soon. Seriously this time.

AHHHH. April is fleeting and now all my huge projects are due. It is a bit stressful to have procrastinated this much, but it's my own fault right? I love waiting until the last minute and then cranking out a sweet project. I complain the whole way through but really, I love the intensity it requires. About a week ago, Prof. Kerr's class taught me so much. He teaches Narratives and Ideologies of Hollywood. We were discussing the movie Meet Joe Black and talking about existentialism and what life is really about.

One of my good friends Tyler came up with a great answer. He said that we need to encounter real love with God. It was what everyone wanted to say, but didn't want to be cheesy or sappy. He said it in such a way that it just made sense and made me want to love. When he first said the word love, I couldn't help but think, "Man that word is awkward and I have trouble saying that." Immediately I wanted to change. I wanted to be able to be comfortable with love. It seems to be a recurring lesson God wants to teach me, but I just don't feel ready for it yet.

Another cool lesson Prof. Kerr talked about was enjoying life. That's a bit more simple than his explanation, but here goes, I'll try to paraphrase. He basically said that when we are in school or grown up and working, we need to take time to enjoy the moments of stillness or relaxation. He said that as he gets older he realizes that many people want to have that serenity and really remember the moments when they did. He encouraged us to do our schoolwork and to work hard at our jobs, while also remembering to soak in those times of simple happiness. One example he used was looking at the stars. He gave the classic scenario of studying for a test or looking at the stars with your friends. Instead of studying, he told us to spend more time with the stars than with our studies. I found that very interesting and have since tried to spend enough time on studies, but more so on the quality time in life. So I guess what I want to do is relay the message that we have permission to work hard and pause life to enjoy those hang out times with your friends. Don't forget that people won't really care about your grades once they really know you. All of these scales and measurements of success don't have to mean anything. Just love, and do that by getting into your relationship with God and then the rest will come from it.