Grant

so that picture from my last blog is really weird and kinda disturbing, but oh well. I'm back at home. I had a long time to think of blogs to write on my way back from Pensacola. Grant was awesome and i got to hold him quite a bit. he was much smaller than I imagined him and so helpless. My dad pointed out that he literally would die if we didnt' take care of him. It was strange to think that my sister had that much responsibility, but she handled it really well. She fed him like crazy, which was a little awkward at times. He was really good though. He rarely cried and loved to just look at lights or peoples faces. His diapers, clothes, and fingers were so small. It was awesome. kids are good.

This was everyone's favorite pic. I didn't like it b/c i didn't set my white balance before, but oh well.

I believe it.

So the past few weeks have been almost a really hard time. Many people would see my past few months and think it to be the time of my life. I suppose there are parts that are, but what no one else sees has been killing me.
( I looked up choking in google images and found this. I was thinking more along the lines of something else, but couldn't pass this up.)

Relationships have been the main thing that have been killing me. I'm asking if I have the right ones, who I should pursue more, which ones I'm leaving out, and so on. There's a million different aspects I could be looking at. Marriage has also been a hot topic in my mind's flow. I want to know if I'll still be in love at 50. Who will it be? When will I know? So many questions that I am allowing myself to dwell on and be weighed down by. It's pointless you know? Only God knows. That sounds cliche and it is, but it's time that I start believing it.

Tonight my parents had a big fight. Usually this would not be a surprise because they are pretty much total opposites. The problem tonight was that I realized that this was bigger. A past event was brought up today and my whole view was changed. It wasn't anything any of you would think was major but it had significance to me. There was an issue of trust that had been broken and neither party had really moved past it. No one cheated on the other just for you people that want to know every detail. Don't let your minds get too crazy, haha. Anyway, I just heard them screaming at each other and luckily my room is right next door to theirs (sarcasm is falling thick on that last part). I just started praying. I wanted to call someone, but I knew everyone I knew would be asleep. I also knew that I could call anyway, but simply didn't want to. So I prayed. I cried out to the last person or ear that would listen, God.

It felt good to be a little upset at God. To finally be able to express some emotion and to vent to someone who wouldn't care or try to fix me just yet. It's the same kind of relationship that you have in sales. If there is no pressure then people want to buy. They like you so they buy things and essentially TRUST you. So I knew that God was not pressuring me, but I knew that I wanted to trust him because he did not force me to. This is probably really old news to most of you because I feel as if I'm a bit behind in catching up to God.

After praying in my room I felt sick, so I went for a drive. I told my parents I'd be right back, but I don't think they were too concerned about me anyway. They were super pissed at each other. I drove to my old church and had a cigar while the ice on my windows defrosted. I continued my prayers to heal my mom and dad. I wanted them to know that they didn't have to be mad at each other. They could honestly work through their grudges and lack of trust by both forgiving each other and themselves. I wanted God to intervene and just fix the situation. It's so easy for him to do it, and yet he doesn't. Until we want it or what usually happens, we need it, he stays out of it. Well, I finished my cigar and then drove some back roads by my ex-girlfriend's house. I love driving on that road. I came back home and opened up a Bible I had from middle school. It was a teenage Bible that has cartoons and funny parts like that. Inside the cover there was a handout that was about forgiveness. Now what are the freaking chances that I would leave my other Bible at school, pick up this Bible, and on the same night my parents were having a fight about forgiveness find a hand out explaining the whole process.

The whole night I just kept asking if I was supposed to help them or if it was my place to help them. Sometimes when people are mad talking about God just makes them madder. Or if you're a child, you usually do not have as much wisdom as your parents. Anyway, I had to get this out because it's been a critical change in the way I view God. It makes sense that so many of my friends truly love God. His heart is so different than ours. It's so accepting and forgiving. My parents went to bed mad, but hopefully God will change their hearts. I know He can if they let Him. I believe it.

so this was long, and needed. Thanks blog.

If I'm falling asleep in the car I could...

-listen to the hoedown throwdown and do the movements in my car while driving.
-turn it on the coldest setting and freeze my legs so that i'm shivering.
-stick my head out the window like a dog, in the rain...
-drink a 5 hour energy
-talk to myself.

Those are things I actually did to keep myself awake. The last one though...hmmm. There were times in my trip when I would be thinking about a situation or conversation and then just finish my thought verbally. I would imagine a conversation with someone, then just randomly hear myself talking out loud. It was so strange. It was the closest thing I've had to an out of body experience.

I'm also very tired. good night.

College Rules

Seriously whoever thought of College, THANK YOU!

Today I...

skipped chapel and woke up at 10:30
Went to lunch and hung out with friends
class ...succks, but I only have one today
went to the bank with Will and talked, it was helpful and enlightening
worked out with Bill
interviewed my manager for an assignment
went to dinner
studied with Lauren at Main and Maple
went to Wal-Mart to and talked with Lauren, again helpful and enlightening
small group with Jon Cypher, James Torell, Josh Ensign, Greg Haseloff, Jeff O'Field, Sam Miller, and ate cream cheese chocolate truffles and a tin full of popcorn
tried to play volleyball, but the other team never showed (chickens)
went back to my apartment to find Jake Stevenson and Jordan Noble doing homework
talked with Bill about life (these are always great)
went to Taco Bell with Bill and Noble, (Bill sat in the middle and Jordan played obscene/ridiculous music selections including: Halo, I'm on a Boat, Lollipop, some country songs....you get the picture
then we threw water balloons at people who happened to be out later than curfew
wrote a 3-5 page interview
wrote a blog
slept

see college rocks. What a fun day of quality time and completing my schoolwork!

The only downfall is that I'll probably regret this tomorrow when I wake up.

Our minds are amazing

Isn't it strange how we "psych" ourselves out?
Just a simple thought in the morning can dicatate what type of day we want to have. Sure there may be instances that happen throughout the day that are not good, but our minds can still overpower that. Take for example this 10 page research paper I had to do on Korean culture. It drained me because I'm so used to having nothing to do. I was not able to hang out with my friends or really relax because I procrastinated and did all 10 pages in 2 days. (I know that most of you hate me because that is 1 of 5 assignments I've had this semester, but hey, it's all relative right?)

Anyway it can also make us think that the paper is huge and we'll never finish it. The fear just strikes through us as we re-read the syllabus for the 7th time that says 10-15 pages minimum.

Daunting eh? Once we start writing it still looks as if we'll never finish, but if you just keep going one small word/sentence/paragraph/page at a time BOOM the paper arrives complete. Anyway I'm just really happy that it is done. That's all. peace.

I usually hate these, but it's music and I haven't blogged in a while.

The rules:

1. Write down the title and the artist.

2. The songs have to be in English; it's universal.

Personal

Top 40s at the moment

I started doing essentials but then just copied from my "Recently Played" playlist from iTunes.

"Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus

"You Belong with Me" by Taylor Swift

"Meteor Shower" by Owl City
"Home" Dave Barnes
"Safe" Phil Wickham
"Battlefield" Jordin Sparks
"Friends, Lovers, or Nothing" John Mayer
Let's Go 2:40 Cartel
Whatcha Say 3:43 Jason DeRulo
Crazy Love 3:31 Michael Bublé
Haven't Met You Yet 4:05 Michael Bublé
Jackson 3:08 Dave Barnes
Whoa Oh! (Me Vs. Everyone) 3:25 Forever The Sickest Kids
Hey Brittany 3:05 Forever The Sickest Kids
12 String Guitar (Working) Rookie
Down (feat. Lil Wayne) 3:32 Jay Sean
On a Night Like This 2:01 Dave Barnes
I Have and Always Will 4:05 Dave Barnes
Lucky with Jason Mraz 3:12 Colbie Caillat
Move Along 4:00 The All-American Rejects
The Kill 3:21 Ben Rector
The Sophomore 2:42 Ben Rector
Associated 3:23 Ben Rector
The Feeling 4:13 Ben Rector
Hank 3:23 Ben Rector
Ready For Change 3:52 Ben Rector
After All 3:53 Ben Rector
Early Morning Riser 3:12 Ben Rector
When She Comes Around 3:32 Ben Rector
Thank God I Miss You 2:48 Ben Rector
Untitled 2:29 Ben Rector
Need You Tonight 3:36 Ben Rector
More Than A Man 3:35 Dave Barnes
Greyhound 2:13 Dave Barnes
The Way She Moves 3:43 Forever The Sickest Kids
Stay Away 4:20 Dave Barnes
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas 2:12 Relient K
Sleigh Ride 3:33 Relient K
Early Birdie 4:16 Owl City
Fireflies 3:48 Owl City
Hello Seattle 2:58 Owl City
Designer Skyline 3:29 Owl City
This Is The Future 2:53 Owl City
The Airway 3:23 Owl City
Captains And Cruise Ships 3:28 Owl City
West Coast Friendship 4:06 Owl City

3 songs to represent my current feelings

"Thankful" Kelly Clarkson
"London" Brandon Heath
"Relax" Frankie Goes to Hollywood (zoolander song. It was the only song I could think of that had like sleep/relaxation type themes. I do not want this to represent me in any sexual shape, form or fashion.)

Spontaneous

Wedding: "I want to be your man" Roger

Sexy: "Mrs. Officer" Lil' Wayne

I hate my ex; he's a real jerk: "I hate everything" Three Days Grace

R&B Night: "Love in this Club" Usher

Diamond: "Diamonds from Sierra Leone" Kanye West

Eccentric: "Hotel Song" Regina Spektor

British: "She Moves in Her Own Way" The Kooks

Adorable: "Wonderful" Everclear


Wow that took way longer than I was expecting. Skype is wonderful, and Mac makes skype even more wonderful with the built in mic and webcam. Music rules and so does Thanksgiving. Families are awesome/irritating especially around Holidays. My sister had contractions tonight, but probably no baby until next week. I will be an uncle. WTF. haha. peace out.

I have a test tomorrow!

And I haven't been studying! Surprise, surprise, here I am at 1 in the morning not studying for a test. My motivation and brain is on it's way to after college. I am so over writing ten page papers and studying for information that may not even make it to my paper tomorrow much less years after I graduate. I honestly don't know why God has chosen to bless me with such grace in my classes.

Time is everything because everything comes through time. Have you ever wanted to come up with a simple but deep saying? I just wanted to and I tried, maybe that moves you or means something to you but I'm not deleting it.

Goodnight,

hgh

photography

is my anti-drug. haha just kidding.

I really feel as if I can use photography as a get away though. Everything that is stressful or troublesome is suddenly washed away when I just drive somewhere and start taking pictures. All that matters is that my mind goes into creative mode and i just start to soak in my immediate surroundings. That's the great part about it. No one really sees what I see until that little button gets pushed. I wish I could just be invisible and take pictures of anything and everything. Don't let your mind get crazy, you know what I mean. I just want people to be normal and for it never to seem awkward to take a picture. I have discovered that most people enjoy their picture being taken because they know it is part a memory collection that they do not have to work on. I'll just upload it to Facebook and it's line an online scrapbook for them.

I really don't mind doing it, but sometimes you only want to show people the good pictures. If it so happens that you don't get any then you have in a sense failed for that shoot. That's the frustrating part and that is also what keeps me from taking pictures all the time. Here's a connection I just made. I am known for throwing frisbee and for playing music anywhere and everywhere. I love those things. I know that I have the equipment to play the music and the skill to not make myself look like a fool throwing the frisebee. Therefore, I feel confident to do them in front of anyone and to share my music with everyone. I would love it if my photography skills could reach that level of security. I want to know that when I press the button, the outcome will be great or at least acceptable. I want it to stand out and to say something about who I am and what I see. Actually that last sentence was getting too deep but I don't want to delete it.

Anyway, life is good if we want it to be. Some days it doesn't make sense why people choose not to enjoy their day. Our circumstances will happen no matter what, but how we react to those makes the wheels in our life turn.

Legs on fire and this blog doesn't really make sense.

Wow. Frisbee ruled today, but my legs hate me now. The funny thing is, they don't hurt nearly as much as my new friend Travis Gosnell's ankle does. It was ridiculous. I went to watch his and James' intramural basketball game only to find Travis laying on the floor with his ankle at a sharp 90 degree angle. So crazy.

Anyway, after spending some great time talking with James at the hospital I began to realize the great things God has done in my life. He placed so many cool people for me to be around and be influenced by in order to change me. I have this desire to help people and to simply respect people from being around the group of friends that I have. Dangit. I had so many great ideas while driving back from the hospital that I wanted to write about and now they are running away from me.

Tangent: well i want to just let words flow and not care about the transition. I want to not worry about grammar or spelling or even using capitals. my problems are not really problems they are simply lacking trust in God. i really create my own problems from doubting God's ability. It's crazy it really is. why can't i just trust that he will change me and he will be there for me no matter what? I want to help people so bad, but at this point am not able. I have all these crazy ideas in my head, but don't know how to make them real. I worry about my future in terms of a job, wife, kids, family, financial stability, but why? God will work out all of that if I just trust him and love as many people I can. I complicate things and beat myself for things I can't control. It's silly and stupid, but it's what I do. Ok but seriously it's almost two. I should go for now.

Verbal thinking

So the comment that Jack left on my last post really got me to thinking. I do love to talk out loud and bounce off ideas. The problem comes when I change my mind about something that I was just talking about and don't tell the receiver of the last message. I feel like that happens a lot, but I don't want to appear the type of person that always flip flops or is apparently unstable. It would be much easier if I could wear a sign that told the world my plight. Perhaps that is the root of why I don't usually like to talk things out with people. Usually conversation comes about from an issue, and then the natural tendency is to fix it. What happens in my situation is that all the parties involved in the conversation narrow down a few of many possible solutions. We plan a course of action and then I leave the group to think on my own. After all the talking I begin to wander down all of the avenues previously discussed and realize that I want to take an entirely different route. It's crazy and I'm sure it's frustrating to most people, but that's me. You would think that now that I know this about myself I would try to express it in a better way, but here lies another dilemma.

I feel like over the years from not reading books and relying on shortcuts in writing that my ability to intelligently and effectively communicate has dwindled. Every time I write a paper for a class I know that the sentences have poor structure, are wordy, or just plain bad. When I try to express myself all that comes out are cliches and stupid metaphors. I admire people so much that are purely intelligent. I love listening to conversations that are witty and quick. When people are able to describe with an unlimited vocabulary and make their statements so clear it just excites me. I have this craving desire to become intellectual again. It's strange just like my scenario above, but this one is an easier beast to take on.

Finally, sPain.
"Don't leave your last semester!"
If I hear that one more time I'm transferring or dropping out. Not really, I'm being dramatic. I just don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to have to make decisions or to worry about things. I just want God to clearly lay out my life and give me an either-or situation. I want security in knowing that I'm making the right decisions and surrounding myself with the right people and the right situations. Will my parents have to spend more money even though I could have graduated in December and saved them $11,346? Am I going to be that selfish? The thing that really sucks is I feel as if I don't appreciate my parents enough right now and in a few years I'm going to feel terrible about it. I feel it, but I don't act on it. I know that I'm stupid for spending money and not really caring about my grades, but right now it's so hard to get out of this cavern of myself. I can see the opening that can take me to color and out of dreariness, but instead I just choose to stay here. So stupid.

Yes Spain will be a life-changing experience, but it will also be so hard to just cut off interactions with people from Asbury until I come back to graduation. Then, I will never see some of those people ever again! How ridiculous and crazy is college. Best time of our lives, well right now it's just so much to handle. I don't want sympathy and I don't want advice. All I want is to move to the next chapter. I just want to skip ahead a little and leave all this crap behind. I want to move to marriage, steady job, whatever that looks like. I'm not desperate for wife, but I am ready to see what she and my kids look like. It's like I'm wishing for a ten year advance on my life. The card that says, move ahead ten spaces. Just get me out of right now. That's what I really feel like. I love my blog because I can truly write anything and then leave it. I don't have to erase it or hide it, whoever wants to read it can, but then I don't have to care about it. It's done, out there, public, and I do not care. It's great. Thanks Jack for helping me to see how this can be a sort of exercise for my decision making. If I don't feel like talking to someone, I can simply write it down and think through it somewhat on my own.

Baggage Departure

So my new manager, Sheridan came into town yesterday. It was good to see him, Travis, and Simba all together again. To be such good friends, we really don't see each other much. It's strange how we can just pick up things like we haven't been away from each other for 3 months.

By the way I'm sitting in photography learning about the first photos and how they were created. Exciting. NOT.

Ok sorry. We had a meeting yesterday and it really challenged me in theory. So many times I go to meetings, church, or seminars that challenge me. They honestly challenge me to change and to be different. The problem lies with continuing the pattern and keeping my life consistent. We talked about how to let go of our baggage yesterday, mainly the summer. We cannot dwell on the summer and what we did wrong or else when those fears come back to us next summer, we will have the worries of the new summer and the ones from old summer. Sheridan helped us grasp the concept by explaining that we do this all the time with relationships (old girlfriends), grades, and all kinds of normal life events. To unload that baggage it's tough for me to decide who and when to talk about it.

Sometimes my issues or problems can be solved on my own. Other times I need to get another opinion in order to really see the big picture. My problem is figuring out what problems to share and what problems need to be fixed internally. There are plenty of things that we could ask other people, but ultimately the decision to be made has to be our own. However, there are other things that I keep inside and really I should be getting help with. My default is just to keep things in because it seems like every time I share something my opinion changes. It's like I tell someone my situation and they figure out the variables and my stances on each of these variables, but then it changes as soon as I leave the meeting. Simply by verbalizing my options and which one I lean toward, my mind becomes open to the other side. So the person I just talked to thought my view was from one point, but then I switch feel as if that whole conversation was a waste. Anyway, I also feel like my blogs and even my communicating in general has become vague. I feel like I can't express my self in the way that want and the messages I send are often blurry.

One last thing. I read another blog that had a cool idea. The main thing is this question: What's one risk you can take this week to make the world a better place?

If you couldn't figure it out, I never edit my blogs.

Alright so I was sitting somewhere in the seminary tonight reading "Building the Bridge as You Walk on It." It was a great book and a great time. I had so many thoughts about what I wanted to blog about but now I can't really think of them. It's kind of a bummer, but I wanted to just write anyway. I'm not sure what about or why, I just feel like it. I guess reading that book really inspired me to try to get my life back on track. This whole semester, I have been trying to put the principles I learned from the summer into my life here. This task becomes difficult because I am under different circumstances and a totally different schedule for sure. It's tough to be motivated and want to work hard when you know that you really can have a ton of fun. That's when I decided that I was going to have no matter what I do this year. It just kind of struck me that I'll have the rest of my life to work and to be serious if I want to be. Right now is the time when I can get by with sitting around or going for a drive. I can play golf, frisbee, or just take pictures whenever I want. No other time in my life will I have this much freedom and so little responsibility. I'm going to soak it up. Every second will be commanded how it will be spent and I won't regret it. Sure bad things will happen and slow times will come, but if you know about and expect those things, then when they do occur, they aren't nearly as big as an unexpected turn. This probably isn't making sense to most of you because I'm falling asleep as I write.

There was one other thing I wanted to talk about. I just remembered it. The use of "I" in my blog appears so frequently. Part of me said, man I'm so vain when I blog. But the other part said, it's my blog about me, so why wouldn't it have a lot about me? Anyway, here we go. You always heaer about those people that just finally get it. They understand their calling or they break free of some oppression from their life. In the book I read tonight, a woman freed herself from an abusive relationship simply by giving herself the option of having worth and to choose not to be a victim anymore. It talked about how an abuser can have no power if there is no one to abuse. This idea parallels the concept of the existence to sin. Sin cannot thrive on its own because it is simply a perversion of good. Without good there can be no evil. Any way, it just made me think about having my moment. When will I know what i want from life. I mean really know. When will God choose to tell me my purpose and what really drives my life. Here's where the bragging comes in. I've always felt that I pick up on things fairly quickly, but never really excel at any certain activity. I want to learn quickly what my purpose is and where God wants me to go. I'm ready to go anywhere and do anything with anyone, I just need a general direction to head towards. Hopefully it will be Florida or Hawaii... Farewell for now, my leg is burning so hopefully the sleep will lull it away.

So what have I been up to?

Blogging is great. It really is, however, I've found something that helps me unwind a lot more. You see earlier tonight I was wishing for a way to get away, but then remembered that I had photography stuff due tomorrow (thanks DJ).

So I got the assignment for tomorrow done, but wanted to get ahead on my landscape shot. I drove out to 68, went into Wesley village to try to grab some shots, but there was nothing there for me. I heard a siren while I was in there and while i was pulling out, an ambulance pulled in. I hope whoever it was they were coming for turned out to be alright. Then, I went to Bethel Point Neighborhood because I was trying to find somewhere high to take the picture from. One night we drove around there and found this huuuuge pile of dirt and Marie-Claire and DJ kind of dared me to go to the top of it. It was one of those situations that started with, "You won't...." So of course I did. But there again, no pictures were to be found. As I was driving around that neighborhood, I saw these lights over the train tracks and there just so happened to be a ladder on the side of the lights, so I climbed up, but still there weren't any quality viewpoints from up there. So off I drove back down 68 and onto 169. It turned out to have lots of potential but by this time, the sun was going down and the landscape shots were fleeting. I took a few pictures and played around making light trails from cars, but also just realized how much fun it was to just take pictures. (I'll post some later, but I don't feel like getting my camera out.) I was so relaxed and just kept taking different shots with different shutter speeds and aperture openings that I didn't care that I was standing in front of a bunch of cows or taking pictures of cars that went by. I also took St. Augustine's confessions and a notebook but didn't make it to that. We also had Encounter and small group tonight which was awesome. Encounter was cool but small group is going to be sooo good. There are some really quality people and even more quality leaders in the group. I'm excited and honored to be in there group.

So what does all this mean? Well...I don't know it's just my blog. I also like Miley Cyrus's new song, "Party in the U.S.A." I don't know why, but I do. It's kind of embarrassing, but I can't help it. Wow it's 1. Peace out.

Mother Epiphany

Ok so I'm at home. Here in Mckenzie freaking Tennessee. It's not bad this time...really I'm having a good time so far. My mom and I went to watch Julie and Julia which was a great movie, if you haven't seen it, you should. It's appropriate, funny, sad, happy, and not sappy. Well not too sappy. Anyway, back to the title. I think I figured out why I dislike talking to my mom sometimes. She compliments too much. Perhaps this is more so my problem than her's, but if you know me, then you know that I hate to be complimented more than anything. While writing this blog I just realized something else. There are times when the compliments I receive are ok, for example at least 6 people said they liked the color of my shirt or it matched my skin well or whatever. I can objectively come to the conclusion that this shirt is good and so I accept it. If there is not enough data, or I do not agree with the compliment, that is when I become uncomfortable and have a hard time accepting the compliment. Dumb huh? haha. It's almost as if I don't have enough self-belief or confidence to take someone's word that I'm "good at a lot of things," or "well mannered" or anything like that. Just thought that I would share this moment of revelation with my internet world friends. Have a great weekend!

It's God or bust

Just a disclaimer you might think you know what this blog is about, but you don't. Anyway...

After going to church today and talking with Bill tonight I realized how true that statement was. Everything in my life has to be through God or else it sucks. Each part of my life must first be almost passed through God like a filter to make sure it is clean and good for me. If it isn't then I shouldn't do, say, or think it. All my life I've known about these rules and regulations of the Bible and how are supposed to live our lives. However, in Bill's story that he told me, the relationship was centered around Christ and it worked.

Now don't get me wrong here. I'm not saying that if I ask God about something then it will automatically work. That's another lesson I've been dealing with this semester. It seems to me that my situations start off with a little bit of prayer and a whole lot of me wanting something to work. By the end it's just like when you pressure someone into buying something. It turns out as a return or cancellation. At least that's what happens during the summer. When you really open your mind and opinion to letting the customer buy then they are free to make the decision and are honestly more likely to buy simply because of the mood and option they are given. I want nothing more than to be obedient to God no matter how hard or backwards it may seem in my mind. Why not take this chance that I have to work on it in college rather than when I have bigger things to worry about. It's like practicing before a big game. This is it, my last year of practice so I feel like I better get on the ball.

This didn't really go the way I thought it would, but that's ok. I hope you enjoyed this portion of my thoughts and if you didn't, well, perhaps the next one will be better. Don't give up on me yet.

New but not familiar

That's how I feel this year started. I still know a lot of people, but my outlook towards them is different. I know them, but they hold a different value because I realize that this may be the last year I will see them. It's crazy, but kind of exciting. To be honest it really hasn't hit me that I'll be leaving Asbury in 9 months. I'm excited though. I have minimal hours of class time, so I just have to figure out what I'm going to do with all my spare time. I have so many opportunities and plan to advance on as many as I can. Nothing can stop me. That's what I learned from this summer. Whatever I want to do, I can do. It's awesome. If I want to read a book I can. If I want to go take pictures I can. If I want to sit on the internet for 7 hours (I can do that now with my new macbook pro haha) then I can.

God places so many options in front of me each year. The difference is that this year I know it. I can see them unfold before my eyes. It's tough to go from a summer alone where everyday is like a devotional back into the real social realm. I actually have to engage with people again and maintain my relationships. I can't just be silent for the majority of the day. One of the toughest things for me is trying to keep up my relationship with God. During the summer it's so easy to ask for things, thank Him, or just talk. Now that I'm back at school my mind is on a million different things. It's on school work, friends, money, expenses, fun, work, my future, and all kinds of minor essentials of life. My job now is to harness those thoughts and figure out a time and place for each of them so that I can make the most of this year. I hope I can take the things I learned during the summer and apply them to real life.

I'll end with three reasons why I love Asbury:

Back Home

Well the summer is fleeting and I'm trying to detox myself back into normality. It's crazy, but I've already signed up for next year. I want to do better than I did this year. I want to have people on my team to push me and motivate me. This school year should be very different than previous ones because my momentum from the book field is just keeping my spirits high. I feel closer to God, closer to my goals, friends, and family. I want so badly to just keep my momentum going through the school year and get ready for after school life. My plan now is cool. I'm going to shadow someone during the school year to find out if I want to get into real estate. Then I'll work the summer and put away 10,000-15,000 to have enough money to really job search. That way I won't be caught in the situation where I have to take the first job that comes along. For some reason I don't really feel like writing anymore. sorry. i'll get back to this one.

My addiction

Yes I have one now. I'm sure I had plenty but this one has become very obvious over the summer. It's clear to me now that I am totally addicted to Owl City. I love them (or him I guess). I want to be best friends with him and have him make me a new song everday. How sweet would that be? I love music. Adam Young is my major man crush right now haha.

Internet!

Hooray! No more going to the Holiday Inn and being sketchy in my car! We are back in Thief River Falls, MN and we now have wireless. It is amazing. Now is also our harvest time, aka delivery week. Pretty much if we quit now, we wouldn't get a check. The people have to receive their books and we have to collect the rest of the payments. It's going well so far. I'm like 33 of 35 customers. Tomorrow is a pretty slow day, but then Thursday is going to be crraaazzy. Anyway, just thought I should pop in and give an update since I haven't been for the past 6 weeks. Later!

Has it really been almost a month???

Wow time is going fast. So we lost internet at our house because they putting in new cables or something. Our host dad also said it was good because then his boys would be off of Fbook, oops I mean Facebook. Sorry Jack. Haha.

Well things are winding down. I only have 1 week left to sell and that is sooo crazy. We have one week after that to deliver all of our books and my delivery week will be so awesome! These last few weeks were really crazy because I (thought I) ran out of turf or places to sell books. Turns out everything is fine. I'm going to finish the week with everything I've got because this is the time when committment counts. Everyone can start off doing something with great passion and hard work. Just think of how many people say they are going to be in the library for x amount of hours each semester. They do really well the first week, but the next week it starts to dwindle, and by the end of the semester they are spend 0 hours in the Library. If we can train ourselves to work just as hard after our peak and right through to the very end, we will have learned something that the majority of the world does not have.

This week is like a test to see how dedicated I really am, so we'll see how I fair. I'll be honest, it will be strange going back to normal life and seeing all of you. It's so strange to think about all the opportunities I have at Asbury. I met a guy from WGM this past week. He lives in Jamestown, ND, but is a missionary and he knew the Duncan twins, Elicia Moon, and several other people from Asbury. It was so crazy. Even in this tiny, barren ND city, there are Asbury connections. I love this job, and I love Asbury. I probably won't talk again until after my book summer is over, sorry.

Not sure

I don't really know the direction that I want this blog to go. In fact, my thoughts rarely have any sense of form or collectivness. It usually involves random thoughts that happen to make it from my brain to the keyboard. Blogs are funny things. Even though we want people to read them, sometimes we want to write things that we don't want people to see.

Controlling my thoughts has been quite a challenge this summer. This job teaches me so much about how my thoughts correspond to my actions. If I think about friends back home or activities I would rather do during the day then I usually don't hit my goals for the day. Figuring out how to balance the line of not going crazy and still desiring to do well has been tough the past couple of days. I keep letting my thoughts wander into how much money I'm not making and how much I am spending. It's something that I can't entirely control. I mean sure I could skimp on breakfast and save $5, but that's not the point. I've discovered that I need to just let go of all my fears of the summer. Whatever they are I just need to conquer them. Now. I want to finish strong this summer and to do that I need to just completely trust that the summer will turn out exactly the way it is supposed to.

It's amazing to me that I can learn the same lesson over and over again in one summer. Even day to day or week to week. I know it may be because I'm only human, but sometimes I really think do not understand myself. This summer is supposed to teach me so that I can carry these lessons over into my life after the summer. It's easy to focus on reading good material in the morning and praying daily when you're driving around by your self all day. I'm worried that I'm not really learning all of the things God has in store for me this summer. I need to figure out how to remember and retain different teachings from the summer. Anyway, enough of this pish posh or a blog.

What do I need to really be motivated?

I asked this question the night after I stopped work on Saturday. It was Saturday, the end of the week, and also Independence Day. As I sat on my bed and looked back at the week, I know I didn't give it my best or that I didn't work my hardest. That feeling is what motivates me the most. My summer is not about the money because I have everything I really need. It isn't about Matt anymore obviously because he's gone. So it's pretty much all on myself now. Sure there are still times when I want to quit, they occur daily. I just have to keep telling myself that I could never face my family or friends if I did. I would not be able to face the fact that I quit simply because it was hard. There would be no other reason.

Anyway, enough mental talk. Today was absolutely nuts. Austin and I have to get North Dakota state permits to sell and also city permits. We drove to Bismark to get our licenses (which is an hour and a half drive). We left straight from our HQ and drove there, got our stuff taken care of and went back home to start working. Well I went to City Hall only to discover that we had the wrong paperwork and didn't really get our state license. I drove back to Bismark only to discover that I could not get my permit until the Southwestern Company sent in a Surety Bond to back me. So 463 miles later, I started working outside of the city and finished the day with a sale. Even after all that frustration and crazy amount of driving, God still decided to bless me with success. Someone said this last week, "Success is being right in the center of God's will." How true that is. I want that so badly, but in order to get it, I have to give up everything. It's a tough process, but he's slowly churning my soul like butter. That really doesn't make sense, but this is my blog so who cares?

So my address is wrong.

I was wondering why I hadn't gotten any mail the whole time I had been here. I asked Bernie what the mailing address was and he told me that they had a PO box. Good. So I have to go get one of those on monday. If you sent me something, it probably will be returned. Sorry...

Talks with Bernie

So I thought I was learning a lot about life when I was out on the bookfield, but tonight, I got a new experience. I have been getting home at like 9:30 ish and usually Bernie is still up. We talk about the day shortly and then I try to ask him a question about his experiences. Tonight I wanted to know which summer was his toughest. He told me his third because his father committed suicide right before he went out for the summer. I can imagine that incident would have some measurable effects on one's thoughts during the day.

It gets crazier. I met a guy today that told me how he almost sold books but didn't. He then proceeded to list all the reasons why he couldn't sit down with me because he had no money and he was on food stamps. It makes me wonder if he would have been in that same situation if he had sold books... Interesting. After I told Bernie that story he told me that his mother had MS and died when he was in high school. He could have received food stamps and money from the government but chose not to. He worked at his uncle's hardware store for super long hours; some nights he worked until midnight. This was all through high school. Most of his jobs were just as tough after that. When working for the railroad he had to drive nails with a sledge hammer all day in Montana. Some days it would be 120-130 degrees and they didn't have water out there. THEN, after work they would ask if anyone wanted to work overtime unloading 150 pound barrels of railroad spikes. Of course Bernie agreed. He told me that he was always wanting or looking for extra money and that's why he always chose the crazy jobs.

After all this he told me that the toughest experience of his life was his divorce. He had two children with his previous marriage and two boys now. After these stories he told me he has sleep apnea and is only able to sleep about 6-8 minutes at a time. When he does get sleep he has like leg twitch things which wake him up from his sleep.

All that to say that I thought I had kind of a crappy day and it was hard. Then I talked to Bernie. I did not write this blog for judgment or to make you feel sympathetic for Bernie because I do not think he wants any. I wrote only so that I could have a record to say that no matter what I'm going through, it's no where near as tough as his life thus far. What an incredible man.

Halfway!

While the video is uploading.

I did a video blog in lower quality, but it is still taking forever...

So here we go, this weekend is the 4th of July! Wow! Independence day is here! I really like Jamestown and our new HQ. It's so tight because it is home of the world's largest Buffalo. (Also including 3 albino Buffalo).

On another random topic, I found out about a sweet animal today. It's kind of like a ground hog. It is called a Hyrax. It's a rodent-like animal from African and the Middle East. It could be in close competition with my favorite animal the otter. We'll see. Here's a quick shout out to things that the bookfield makes me appreciate a whole lot more:

Snickers

Reese's PB cups

(Basically any candy)

Ice Cream

Parents

Friends from school

Sleep

Rain Jackets

Shelter (especially when it rains or is hot outside haha)

The cafeteria (even though it may not seem like the most quality food, at least it contains mass quantities of unlimited eating supplies)

frisbee

sitting doing nothing

time

the internet

my car

All that to say, that I have been blessed that I can even make a list of things I am th

ankful for. So many times during the summer I catch myself wishing for more when really I have so much in my life that I take advantage of or just don't appreciate enough. This really helps put it all into focus for me.

Slacking

Yeah, that pretty much describes my blogging. Sorry guys. I know you've been hanging on the edge of your seat wondering about my latest door to door story.

As you all know (I think), I moved to Jamestown, ND. I am staying with a Southwestern Alumni named Bernie Satrom (sat-trum). He's awesome! His house is really cool too. He sold for three summers and his second and third had teams of 5 or more people. His life is pretty much what I want mine to look like when I get to be his age. He has an amazing house. I loooove it. The location overlooks the river and it's all custom built. I am going to try to do a photo walkthrough tomorrow if I have time.

This week has treated me well. I sold a lot of handbooks which are our main product. These are how we really start to make money. The kids books are easy to sell, but do not yield a great deal of profit like the handbooks do. I did get a little distracted and distressed on Friday, but I'm slowly getting back on the right path. I can't believe it's the midpoint of the summer already. It's going fast. In a way I'm glad, but in another way I'm looking at all the work I need to do in order to improve and get what I want out of the summer. I need to go to sleep. perhaps I'll write more tomorrow. paz

An Airport Vacation

Here's a picture of my new home for the next 8 hours. I thought it was going to be a curse. I missed my flight from ATL to MN by about 10 minutes this morning. They told me that my later flight to Theif River Falls would be fine, and that I would have plenty of time to get to it. Well my flight from Minneapolis to TRF was at 1:00. I got the airport at 12:50 and arrived at gate F. The other gate where my flight was was A8. So I ran across the airport, but did not make it.

I was a little discouraged because I was supposed to finish up some work in TRF and get about half way to my new HQ by tomorrow. Turns out my new flight is at 9:30 and there's a connection in Hibbing, MN. Instead of feeling like I'm wasting time or wishing I would have made my flight I'm simply enjoying this time off. I've uploaded all the pictures and videos I should have uploaded during school today. The internet was $7.95 and it is super fast. It's so awesome for uploading pictures and videos. I also uploaded a lot of new pictures to flickr. I got to talk to Tyler and Marie-Claire (finally)! The best part is, I still have 4 hours! It's such a cool vacation. I'm going to watch a few movies, one of which is a dynamic reading, aka, speed reading, program. I'm really excited.

The airport is nice and I'm glad that I missed the flight because now I can just relax a little bit more before jumping back into the bookfield. Thanks for reading!

Video uploads suck

So I wanted to keep doing video posts, but they take so freaking long to upload. Anyway, I just finished my 5th week of selling! Next week is the half way point. I can't believe it. Let me try to not get ahead of myself though. This week was strange. My grandfather died on Wednesday morning so I had to fly to South Carolina on Friday for the visitation and funeral on Saturday. It kind of threw me off because in the book field, it can really throw off your momentum to be off schedule. Hopefully though it won't affect me very much.

I arrived here in Union, SC and felt a lot of mixed feelings. I felt happy to see everyone and happy to be away from the book field, but also sad because of the occasion. I can't tell you how many times I've heard people tell me that it was great to see me, but sorry that it had to be under these circumstances. I know that is the polite thing to say, but it's almost as if I don't want to talk about it.

Also, we are moving to Jamestown, ND which will be freaking amazing. We basically get a new summer. Austin and I are staying with a guy who sold books and actually has some awards that he won up on the wall. He lives in a lakehouse and we will not have to drive 2.5 hours every sunday at 6 AM. I can't wait! Anyway, sorry I haven't been writing much, there really isn't much to tell. I have some pictures and stories, but eh nothing too crazy. Anyway, I will write again soon, possibly tonight because it may get boring around here.

Week 4 and my "problems" realization

Sorry this took so long.

Haircut

Here you go. I'll blog more later.

BEST DAY EVER!

No seriously, I had my best day in sales today. I had 7 customers for 87 units (units are $5 so, $435). If we get 100 units in a day we have what's called a burger day. Basically that means we can buy ourselves a burger before we go home instead of eating regular food. I worked from7:09 until 10:01 tonight trying to get to 100, but couldn't do it. Regardless, today was fun. I learned a lot.

During the morning, I was getting frustrated because I had about 4-5 immediate no's at the door. As I prayed to God in my frustration and vented, he led me to the next house. I had driven by this house before because it didn't look like it would be a very good prospect. I knocked on the door and a little girl named Hannah answered. She went and got her mother who was overweight, breathing with a lot of effort and a cigarette in her hand. I went through my presentation expecting her to give me some type of money objection, but she merely got up and got cash. She brought be the money and asked about buying more at the end of the summer if she could save up the money. It was a huge lesson of not judging the measure that parents will go to in order to educate and care for their children. April was the mom's name and I commend her for her hard work to earn money all to go to her children's books. It was an awesome experience. That one sale made my whole day better because I could really see true love. It was selfless and honest. I loved it. The rest of the day I simply embraced the "no's" because with this job if you dwell on the NO's you'll go craaaazy.

Another realization God gave me was that this job is fun because we only spend quality time with the cool families. If you think about it, the negative families we meet, aka, the ones that say no, are only in contact with us for about 1 minute at the door. The rest of the day we spend about 20 minutes with each family just getting to know them and hanging out. That's why I love this job. Yesterday and today have been awesome days for me because of the lessons I'm learning. I'm going to do a seven step outline and post it on here tomorrow. For now I realllly need sleep so peace!

Cokes and Russians

Today was a strange day. I went to some new turf called Erskine and McIntosh. Apparently there are several Russian families that live in the area and the schools have Russian as their main foreign language. I ran into a neighborhood of Russians today and it was awesome. There were about 6 houses that all had Russian families. The first one I talked to said that her relatives lived down the road. I started trekking down this dirt road and discovered four enormous houses. We use names a lot in our business by saying, "Oh well you probably know ______, and they just picked these up to." Basically it's the herd mentality I guess. Associating and acting upon decisions made by others. It also gives us credibility. Anyway, 2 families bought and I have to catch up with 3 of the other families. It should go well.


I also have this line where I say, "If this doesn't seem like something you would use then you can definitely just kick me out and give me a coke." People laugh every time. Strangely enough, today I got 4 cokes! It was awesome! Usually people just laugh, but today they actually gave them to me! It was crazy. Anyway I'm going to bed. Good night!

Why worry?

Well week two is over so there's nothing I can do to change it. I shouldn't think about it anymore! Today was awesome, I got to sit down with Travis and really get to bottom of why I'm not working my hardest. I'm here, I'm going through the motions, but my mind and my heart are totally thinking about being other places. I want to be on the beach, in Tennessee, in Kentucky, anywhere but Thief River Falls, Minnesota. I realized that this kind of attitude was just focusing on all the negative things and therefore my actions were suffering from them.

Travis explained it like Asbury College. There are some crazy rules, and if you focus only on the negative ones like no dancing, required chapel, curfew, and other things of that nature then yes the college isn't very fun. However if you simply accept those things and then turn to what those things are actually doing for you like spiritual vitality and academic excellence, haha then it gets better. My freshman was just me complaining about how I didn't like it and how I wanted to transfer. I didn't have many close friends because I wouldn't allow myself to get close. I was what was keeping others away. The same thing is happening now. God is calling me to work hard this summer, to be an example for Matt and the other first years, to fully rely on him to take care of me financially, physically and emotionally. All I have to do is go out and try to actually help families and other people and forget about myself. God already knows everything that's going to happen to me this summer and his plans are in my best interests. So why not go out and embrace those things and enjoy this week to the best of my ability. I'm going to be praying more and looking for positive things all throughout the day. Perhaps I'll write a blog about them.

Today was a great day for learning. I'm going to start enjoying the time I have here instead of wishing it all away. Pray for me this week because this change will not come easily or quickly. However, if I keep persisting success becomes inevitable. Just like knocking on doors. Peace out.

I was looking for a picture for this blog and found this other blog. It's a great summary.

Some days are harder than others

Sometimes I don't want to go to work. Some days I really don't want to walk across this bridge. And some days I don't even want to get out of bed

There are days when I have trouble with everything

But every day is progress. Every interaction is important

It doesn't matter if some steps are harder than others as long as I keep making them. I know I'm headed in the right direction ;)

source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/lachlanhardy/221868712/

Which do you like better the blue or the red???

Let's talk about food.

Well I've been thinking about how much I miss the caf food actually. Yes, it's true. I miss being able to get as much as I wanted and have so many different options.

Every morning I wake up, take a cold shower, do some push ups, then head to our breakfast spot called Dee's Kitchen. It's amazing. There are some old dudes that eat there every morning and have exact change counted out for their coffee and toast. They curse, laugh, and play Yahtzee and wonder why two young people would be in there so early in the morning. I proceed to greet my waitress of two weeks, Sandy, and order my 2 eggs scrambled with hash browns and wheat toast for $7.00 (tip included).

For lunch it's a simple kid's favorite, peanut butter and jelly with about 6 wheat saltines. Actually they are Krispy brand, which are reallllly good.

At night I have been eating a 2 fried egg sandwhich with spinach, cheese, and barbecue sauce haha. It's actually really good and cheap too! I also eat like baby carrots, applesauce, pretzel sticks, and sometimes tuna salad. I top it all off with a glass of gatorade and get ready for the next day.

I write all this because tonight, Betty, our land lady, brought home some donuts for us to eat. After my regular meal I had three of them and felt like they were the best I had ever had. It was incredible. It's so amazing how good food tastes when you eat eggs twice a day a some kind of meal with wheat bread three times a day. If you are reading this and you have the option of making your own food with your parents money, or simply going out to eat, enjoy yourself. I envy you. Soon enough though all of my saving will pay off! Anyway, I better go to bed.

Just a quick note, yesterday sucked hardcore. I had like 11 straight people tell me no at the door, most of which cut me off and closed the door while I was talking. I also didn't have any sales, but hey it's part of the job! Today was better, I had 2 sales and tomorrow will be my best day of the week, leading to my best week ever! I'll let you know how it goes. You guys are awesome for reading this, but you should seriously leave some comments. I'd like to know who's still reading this thing haha. peace out.

Slow to fast

So last week felt like forever, but this week is really flying by. I can't believe it's going to be Wednesday tomorrow!

After our Sunday meeting and talking with Matt Poole, he seemed positive, but a little worried. I reassured him that things would get better as long as he kept working and he agreed to work hard this week. As I went home that night I figured I would try walking so I could see how it was to be like Matt, Anna, and Jared. Well it turns out I picked Monday to walk and it rained. Oh well. It also turned out to be the day that Anna was assigned to follow me. We have follow days when we have a zero sale day. I've never had anyone follow me before, but it really changed me. It kept me accountable the whole day and made me actually work the way I was supposed to. I couldn't stop, I couldn't be lazy, I had to always work hard because she was right behind me recording my every move. It was awesome.

Well today I went out and had a customer, presentation, then a contact for both goal periods (we divide our day into 2 hour segments because it is much easier to work for 2 hours than it is for 14.) So from m7-9 I had a sale and from 9-11 I had a sale. Then things got slow and I just kind of coasted until about 4:30. Then I had a little pity party, bought myself a Dr. Pepper and a Snickers and went back to work. By pity party I mean I didn't feel like working so I moved slow and didn't have a good attitude. Well God is so good that he decided today would be a good day to show me that even though I slacked off, he was still going to bless me with have 5 total sales. I was a little mad because I felt like I totally didn't deserve any sales for slacking off.

I talked with Travis and I really need to fully commit to being here. It sucks being halfway committed to something. Especially when it involves going door-to-door for 14 hours. Anyway I need sleep. Hopefully I'll get to write more later. Peace.

Week completed

Wow this week seems like it took forever. The good news is that next week will be faster and the next week even faster. This week will probably be one of the toughest of the summer just because I'm trying to nail down good habits like waking up at 6 and working until 9:15. I worked really good hours this week and saw a lot of people. Now I just have to work on listening to everyone so that I can better help them and sell more books. I really hope that Matt Poole is doing ok. We are in different HQ's so it's tough to know how he's doing.

Tonight we are having some awesome pizza and I am so excited about it. I'm also ready to get some good sleep and have a sweet day off tomorrow. This job is so strange. I don't really want to write anything else tonight. sorry. If you guys ever have questions about book stuff feel free to post questions in the comment box. peace.

It gets better!

Today was awesome. I was able to stay focused for most of the day. There were still times when I was frustrated and began to think about going home, but ultimately I could never do that. The shame and excuses that I would have to tell my friends and family would be unbearable. Gas is killing me right now because I was working country this whole week and driving like 150 miles everyday. Tomorrow and the next couple of weeks I'll be in the city so it won't be as bad. On a more positive note, I had 5 customers today and made about $160 today. I met some awesome families. In fact, one mom was my favorite mom of my career so far. I started talking to her at about 7:30 and then just kept talking until like 8:10. Usually demonstrations or presentations take about 20 minutes. Oops. I could have stayed there all night because she was just that type of person that made you laugh and was completely transparent. She was confident, loving, and funny. Three great things that I am striving for everyday. Gas is killing me right now because I was working country this whole week and driving like 150 miles everyday. Tomorrow and the next couple of weeks I'll be in the city so it won't be as bad.

I love what God is teaching me about being disciplined and finishing what I start. I want to be the type of person that learns to accept my situation and pushes through no matter what. I saw this today on someone's porch, "Want what you have and you'll always have what you want." It really made me think about my priorities and why I'm out here for the summer. While those things may seem cheesy in normal life, when you're working 14 hours a day and getting rejected 95% of the time, the little things in life stop bothering you and all you care about are the intangible aspects of life. I love it. I love this job, I love the people, and I love God. Goodnight.

Follow Day

Today I got to follow Simba and it really taught me a lot. The first day I had no sales, the second I had 3 pretty good ones, and then yesterday I had one weak sale which means they didn't put down less than half of the total cost. Today, I made one sale but followed most of the day. Simba worked the whole day except from 1-3 when I worked. The day was slow. That's an understatement. We talked and sold one mom first thing, then didn't see another prospect until 2:45. That's when I made my sale. I learned that no matter what we have to keep pushing ourselves and maintaing the positivity because it all pays off from 5-9. We had a ton of people to see and we ended up getting 4 more customers during the 5-9 (what we call gravy) period. We call it gravy because most of the buyers work during the day, so after they get off work at 5 is when we move in to make the majority of our sales. We use the day to figure who to talk to during the gravy period.

This job just gets better. Everyday is a new opportunity to learn and grow. I heard a really good quote during sales school, "The most frustrating times in our lives are signs that we are about to grow." Not matter how frustrating or lonely the day can be I'm going to keep that in mind and try to focus on others instead of own circumstances. Bedtime. Peace

Here's your learning day!

Well today is exactly what the title says. It's like God looked down and thought that I needed some tough love. I did! Today I really broke down at about 5 o'clock. Let me define breakdown.

My day started out with a sale which was way positive! Then I went through a huge dry spell and didn't really see anyone. I had to set up my bank account which took about 2 hours and then was so tired i was driving off the road. So I took like a 30 minute nap. You're not supposed to, but hey it's my summer right? I'd much rather be not tired and driving off the road than make like 30 bucks. Well then at about 5 I had only talked to 11 out of my goal of 30 people I was trying to see. Usually we have 30 contacts (people that we talk to that have kids aka prospects) and 15 presentations (people with kids who actually see the books). So a senior citizen we talk to wouldn't count as anything. We also break our day into what we call goal periods. These are two hour blocks that we use to keep our sanity. We view our job as like 9-11 getting 6 contacts, 4 presentations, and 2 customers each goal period. Those are our goals, but as soon as the goal period is over we start all over.Does that make sense? It helps us keep our accountability so that we can track how hard we are working to see people each day.

Anyway, I had 11 out of 30 at 5 o'clock which meant that I would need 19 in the next 4 hours. I was stressed out and had no motivation to continue. I started thinking about calling Nate and telling him that I was going home, but then I thought about all the people I would have to face when they heard that I was quitting. It was overwhelming and I just broke down and started crying. (Weird I know. Things get very emotional on the bookfield.) So I just prayed to God that I knew he wanted me to rely on him to be my happiness and joy, but I didn't know how. I needed him to show me how to continually talk to him and see things through his eyes in order to continue working. well like 5 minutes later I snapped out of it and just started thinking about selling books again. Turns out I got 31 contacts on the day and had 2 more customers tonight. The customers were big customers that I needed because I was running out of cash. Here's a funny thing. If the customers pay with a credit card I never see the money, but if they use cash or a check, then I get to use to deposit to live off of. Well I was getting a little worried about it last night and today, but God came through once again and I collected 522 dollars today. That should last me for a while. Haha. Anyway I have to go to bed now. I am going to be wiped if I don't. I hope you enjoyed this blog. It was written frantically and probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I can try to explain more later. peace.

Recorded Journals

hey guys, as promised i have a few voice clips from sales school. OK I am having some technical difficulties so I'll just write for tonight. I am so excited for tomorrow. It doesn't matter to me if I have 1 customer or 10 customers because this week I am only working on hours this week. I really want to lead the way for Matt Poole to follow. I want him to see that I'm committed to working this job to the best of my ability to serve others. I know this is short, but I have to go to bed. Mrs. Jones is waiting for me...

Where the heck have I been?

So right after I types that title I realized that most of my readers already know the answer to that question haha. So...the end.

For those of you who don't k know, I just finished sales school in Nashville. Today I spent 11 hours in the car driving to Black river falls,WI, and tomorrow we'll finish our trip to Fargo, ND. After we drop off our first years Austin shrock and I will travel to Thief river falls where we'll move I to our new home for the summer. I have been recording little journal entries with this iPod app and I will hopefully post those tomorrow or Sunday. They are less than five minutes each and just share my feelings about the day. This summer my blog will turn into a journal that might include typing, videos, or the audio recordings depending on Which ones receive the most comments. Haha. For now, I need to go to bed. Also if I didn't ask you for your address and you would like me to write you a letter, just leave your address as a comment. Peace!

Home, briefly

So I found out today that I am actually supposed to go to Nashville on Saturday and be there by two. My mom wasn't too happy about me leaving Sunday so when she heard I had 24 hours less at home, she wasn't thrilled. I think she is beginning to understand that I am becoming independent. That I want to get out of here and I think she is slowly coming to grips with the fact that I need to get out of there. It's healthy, you know?

Leaving school yesterday really was not as bad as I though it would be. I mean sure it was tough to say goodbye, but for the first time, I really felt at peace about it. The last couple weeks of school I was beginning to get a bit frantic about the separation. With my senior friends leaving, and my new friends and I getting so close, the thought of departure really sucked. The more I prayed the more God sort of released me from those feelings and gave me a calm sense of acceptance to my summer situation. I know that I'm supposed to go to North, freaking, Dakota, but I am excited, genuinely excited to be going. Anyway, that's enough for now (a great song by the Fray), I should go pack and be productive while I have the spare time. Have a great summer!

Truth

Tell it, because doing so makes life easier. If you can openly communicate with someone, things just work. Life can be confusing and finals can really suck, but our time together goes quickly so why waste any time not being truthful. If we lie or deceive we have to go back and fix things, but if we just tell the truth, our lives go the way they should.

Grades suck

Ok I understand the need for a grading scale. School is such a funny thing. For most of my classes how much am I really learning and retaining? I get the good grades either because the content is really easy to memorize or because the teacher gives us a great study guide. An example of a great study guide is one where the teacher goes over the test question by question. If you write down each statement the prof says, you've got an A! Those classes are typically the ones that I don't care about, however.

The drive of this blog is to talk about the purpose of grades. I agree that it is a measurment of our effort in the class, discipline, and our overall knowledge of the subject. The funny thing is, it doesn't really matter if we learn some subjects. Some prove to be absolutely useless. So why do we go through these type of classes? I believe that it is a teaching method that goes beyond our knowledge skills. The grades give us something to work towards and even if we don't get the best grades. In the long run, it's not about how great our GPA is, but rather that we know how to strive for something we want. It's like doing the things we don't want to do. It's a practice that I want to adopt more often. It's good for us to be uncomfortable. This blog kind of morphed and kind of doesn't flow well, but I don't care. Time for more studying/creating good discipline...

I am addicted to blogging

Seriously this is getting a bit ridiculous. All of my thoughts just are jumping out throughout the day. Everyday I crave to get the words out and try not to leave anything out. I don't really know what I want to talk about today because life has really collapsed on me today. In chapel today it really hit me that we're coming to the end. For some people this will be the last weekend of their college career. Where the heck did our time go?! Granted we always say that time flies but this time it's not only flying but it is also coming to a close. It's scary in a way but refreshing as well. Why does life have to move forward like this? There aren't really any easy transitions. Think about it, this time next week I will be back home and preparing myself for the summer.

I came to my sister's graduation today. I was not too excited because it is also the last weekend I will have with all of my college friends before some of them move on to the real world. That is having a big effect on much of my mind right now. It's hard for me to focus on my family and enjoy this time because I'm being selfish and only thinking about how much fun I could be having back at Asbury. It sucks. Another feeling that I'm struggling with is if I'll ever really enjoy being around my family again. As of right now being at college is so much fun, I love it. Every time I go home to visit I just feel like I want to go back with my other friends and I honestly feel that I like spending time with them more than my family. Maybe it's because I'm the last kid and my other two sisters are out of the house and married. I just want to be independent now. I don't want to feel like I "should" come to my sister's graduation. I want to have that feeling because I want to, not because my parents "think" I should. How do I tell my parents these feelings without really hurting them? It's a tricky situation that I'm not ready to deal with yet.

After college I do NOT want to go anywhere near Mc Kenzie, TN. If at all possible I'll live near a city, preferrably a warm one and get a job. I want to be alone, with a new start. As for now, I should get back to studying for my finals next week.

Don't know why

Why is it that I never focus on endings. I know that this semester will end in about a week but I haven't really accepted it yet. I postpone my thoughts and continue through life as if nothing will change. While this is fun for the moment, when it does end it's going to be quite abrupt. Why do I do this? Why don't I prepare myself mentally and emotionally for the endings that are coming. It would make things easier for sure. Marketing sucks.

I told you so.

So the last line of my blog was that today would be different. Honestly the day as a whole was not different, my attitude still wanted to be pissed. Well luckily, I proved that I learned something from last summer. I am in control of my emotions. In life we have to control the controllables and let everything else go. It is so not worth it to worry about things that are out of our hands. We cannot control other people's attitudes, the weather, or the fact that bad things will happen to us. As humans we are capable of creating a great attitude or outlook regardless of all those things previously mentioned. So I did. I wanted to stop being thick headed and just enjoy these last couple of weeks. Why? because that way I can have an enjoyable summer and an enjoyable next semester.

Another thing, is the wonderful world of communication. I am so thankful that I am a communication major and that I am able to learn things in class that are applicable to my life right after class. Granted sometimes it takes me a while to really learn them, but it pays off. When you realize that talking things out really does help, then you realize how dumb you have been for not expressing yourself. It's not enough just to write about it on this blog, or in your head or to other people. You have to go straight to the source. If you have a conflict with someone tell them, not their friends, go directly to them and straighten it out. It simplifies life and reduces the drama. That's all, time to go read, go to bed, and possibly post tomorrow!

Seriously WTF.

Sometimes God really pisses me off. Today we learned about how music affects us in my narratives class. We listen to angry music when we're upset, music that pumps us up before a game and i'm sure a lot of other examples.
-side note: i hate it when people give fifty million examples to explain their point. we get it. move on.
Anyway, at my meeting with Nate tonight, he talked about how during the summer he would listen to praise music because it was so hard to be upset or angry or distressed while listening to praise music. Well I tested that theory tonight and the way things worked out just are beyond my comprehension. How is it that I can turn on a song after being stressed and wanting to just be pissed off and then the song talks about exactly what I'm going through. It talks about controlling our environment and wanting to understand everything. The singer says that his answers are going to be good for me. We crave instant answers and all-knowing information, but we can't do that until we build our relationship with him. I can tell others how much God is doing in my life but do I believe it? Do I want it? No not really. Why does he have to do that? Why can I just not be pissed for a while. Let me be angry or upset, don't guilt trip me to feel like you are always looking out for me. I don't want to accept that yet. I don't want you to care right now. The confusion and stress going into this summer is unlike any I have ever had. I want to be ready for the summer, but this summer is going to be hard in many ways.

Crazy blog i know. it'll change tomorrow.

Memory

So I just had one of best conversations of my college career, but there were so many topics there is no way that I could regenerate it. In fact, I don't know that I'm supposed to be able to. Maybe it was just one of those conversations that you figure things out and then they become part of you so much so that you don't even realize it did. Got it? That was a little confusing.

I know that I should be doing case study number 13 for my HR class, but instead I'm learning about relationships,society, stress,the past, God, and what is really important in life. I highly doubt that I will learn and retain as much as I just did in the past hour and a half. There's so much going through my head that I want to translate here, but I wouldn't even know where to begin. Also there are parts that simply cannot be displayed due to the nature of my viewers. The most important thing I learned is that when you know you're accepted by God and you really feel it, you won't worry or care about what other people think. All of the feelings of comparison to others or living up to the standards of our society vanish. Once you find that little sliver of security, it blasts into every area of your life. Find a way to reveal that you are loved and believe it. Once you do, life becomes more fun.

Thanks to my friends who help me find the type of love God shows each one of us. I know each of us hears this over and over, but only once you experience it will you understand why so many people are talking about it. The feeling of acceptance and self-worth is an awesome thing.

Owl city

So my friend Jack showed me this band called Owl City. They are so awesome! They're laid back electronic style just goes well with whatever you are doing at the time. For example, after work tonight at about 11:45 I went on a run. Yep it was so nice outside and I just needed to get away for a while. Kind of like relieving pressure and stress by doing something that literally created tired feelings which lead to relaxation. It was so peaceful and perfect running in the dark. I felt alone but it was a good kind of alone. I think I've been craving that time all week and I finally gave it to myself. I also went to the tennis courts and just sat. I wanted to listen and hear enlghtening words that would confirm my actions I life. No obvious messages came but I understand and accept some things better now. I'm ready for a new chapter I suppose.

What's that you say?

You like my title and new set up don't you? Haha that's because one of the greatest designers in the world did it. Yep Kate Brannen! Thanks for the facelift Kate.

What to say at a time like this? School is winding down, but my want to stay is winding up. The fun I've had in college is so amazing. Even though I have one whole year to go, it still seems like not enough time. It's soooo short. Sooo fast. Ridiculous. Also, I should have you know that I have 7 questions and a journal entry due for my 9 o'clock but for my fans who read this page, I have an entry for you. I don't really know what to say, I keep saying that, but it's the truth. So much is inside of me but I do not have any idea who to talk about it with. Sure there's my parents, but they have biased views of me and know what type of choice I would normally make. That probably means they will predict based on previous instances. Not what I want. Next there are tons of friends here, but I'm going to be around and with them for the next year. Can I tell them? I'm not sure. All I know is I need to find someone soon or else I'm going to runaway.

I realized that I have a tendency to run. If things get tough I ignore them or run away. When relationships get hard or difficult it is so much easier to forget about them and make new ones. How do we balance being selfish and finding our own needs? Why can't someone just tell me what to do right now. That was pointless, but it pretty much sums up how I'm feeling. Happy, but confused. Yearning but struggling. Time to do school work...I'll be back

I can't stay away!

Here I am in bed again. I find that blogging at the end of my day helps me to see what I have accomplished or thought about during my day. Today I had thoughts but I also spent nine hours of my day with my friends. How awesome and ridiculous is that? The funny thing is that we didn't do anything spectacular or what most would qualify as fun. We just spent quality time together and talked. I wish all of my relationships could involve going somewhere and just talking. Anyway I'm just so thankful that I have such enjoyable friends. The only thing I have to worry about now is my last few weeks of schoolwork...to orrow is hump day woohoo!

Judgment?

As a disclaimer, this could be a judgment I am passing onto others and if that is the case I apologize. I realize that I am quite faulty myself, but this is something that I do and I noticed others doing a lot recently. Here goes:

The topic of today is criticism for the sake of humor. Have you ever noticed how often we strive to make people laugh. I love it when people find joy from what I say or do. Perhaps that why many see me as spontaneous, simply because I am trying at every moment to please people. Today we were talking about Katy Perry's song, Hot and Cold. (should that be in italics?? who cares, it looks right.) The joke was made that the song mirrored someone else's relationship. That the couple was together then not together, in and out, up and their down, breaking up then getting back together and so on. The statement was meant to be funny in that saracastic sort of tone. You know the conversation that goes, "Oh yeah that song is just like *so and so's* relationship. Haha." Why do we do that? And why is it that humor often stems so much easier from the misfortunes of others. We laugh when someone looks different, falls down, etc. Perhaps I'm reading into this too much and am just in one of those moods where I feel sorry for everyone and want to change the world. Anyway, I hope whoever is reading this, if anyone thinks about the topic.

So much to blog, if only I could remember.

I always have so many things to blog about during the day, but as soon as I get on I can't remember one thing. Luckily I kept repeating it to myself until I got home so I could write about it. So here we go. Can you imagine life without your faith? A friend and I were talking about this the other day. Who would you turn to when times got tough? When bad things happened how would you cope? It seems like we have it so much easier since we have Christ. It's incredible really.

I am back home for Easter break now and I went to the local Movie Gallery to rent a movie. I saw an old friend from high school that I hadn't seen since sophomore year. His name is Lamon. We never really spent time outside of school, but he was just one of those joyful people. He was easy to talk to, funny, but unfortunately came from a not so good home I think. When I saw him tonight I couldn't believe that I was seeing him, and I think he felt the same way. We made small talk about life right now and he told me that he had three kids! He's a year older than me, but still that is crazy. He said he just had a baby girl a few days ago. I then pried and asked if he was married. He basically said no because it would be more drama if he was married. I wanted to say more, but couldn't come up with words and didn't really want to feel like I was preaching to him. I just stopped and found it interesting of his view of marriage. His life right now would be so difficult I feel like. I mean where does he get motivation? How is he always so happy? I want to be like Lamon, only with God as my focal point. Maybe this is really cliche or wishful thinking, but it seems so easy. I don't really know what I'm trying to say as usual. Hope you enjoyed it.

Again

Two days in a row impressive huh? I find it very easy to blog just before I go to bed. All my thoughts from the day are unwindng and I have to use my iPod to sleep because my nieghbors love to play the guitar into the late hours of tomorrow when I should be sleeping. That being said I want to blog more go remember more. I want to learn from my mistakes. I want to watch how God answers prayers. I also want to just talk more and get these feelings and thoughts out.

All right well tonight my friend and I discovered that I like to skip on to new things frequently, including relationships. It could be because of hurt from past relationships, having to actually work at the relationships or something else. Anyhow I don't want to let myself take an easy way out or to just abandon people because things get hard. I think it will b a great thing for me to be conscious of and to really work on.