I believe it.

So the past few weeks have been almost a really hard time. Many people would see my past few months and think it to be the time of my life. I suppose there are parts that are, but what no one else sees has been killing me.
( I looked up choking in google images and found this. I was thinking more along the lines of something else, but couldn't pass this up.)

Relationships have been the main thing that have been killing me. I'm asking if I have the right ones, who I should pursue more, which ones I'm leaving out, and so on. There's a million different aspects I could be looking at. Marriage has also been a hot topic in my mind's flow. I want to know if I'll still be in love at 50. Who will it be? When will I know? So many questions that I am allowing myself to dwell on and be weighed down by. It's pointless you know? Only God knows. That sounds cliche and it is, but it's time that I start believing it.

Tonight my parents had a big fight. Usually this would not be a surprise because they are pretty much total opposites. The problem tonight was that I realized that this was bigger. A past event was brought up today and my whole view was changed. It wasn't anything any of you would think was major but it had significance to me. There was an issue of trust that had been broken and neither party had really moved past it. No one cheated on the other just for you people that want to know every detail. Don't let your minds get too crazy, haha. Anyway, I just heard them screaming at each other and luckily my room is right next door to theirs (sarcasm is falling thick on that last part). I just started praying. I wanted to call someone, but I knew everyone I knew would be asleep. I also knew that I could call anyway, but simply didn't want to. So I prayed. I cried out to the last person or ear that would listen, God.

It felt good to be a little upset at God. To finally be able to express some emotion and to vent to someone who wouldn't care or try to fix me just yet. It's the same kind of relationship that you have in sales. If there is no pressure then people want to buy. They like you so they buy things and essentially TRUST you. So I knew that God was not pressuring me, but I knew that I wanted to trust him because he did not force me to. This is probably really old news to most of you because I feel as if I'm a bit behind in catching up to God.

After praying in my room I felt sick, so I went for a drive. I told my parents I'd be right back, but I don't think they were too concerned about me anyway. They were super pissed at each other. I drove to my old church and had a cigar while the ice on my windows defrosted. I continued my prayers to heal my mom and dad. I wanted them to know that they didn't have to be mad at each other. They could honestly work through their grudges and lack of trust by both forgiving each other and themselves. I wanted God to intervene and just fix the situation. It's so easy for him to do it, and yet he doesn't. Until we want it or what usually happens, we need it, he stays out of it. Well, I finished my cigar and then drove some back roads by my ex-girlfriend's house. I love driving on that road. I came back home and opened up a Bible I had from middle school. It was a teenage Bible that has cartoons and funny parts like that. Inside the cover there was a handout that was about forgiveness. Now what are the freaking chances that I would leave my other Bible at school, pick up this Bible, and on the same night my parents were having a fight about forgiveness find a hand out explaining the whole process.

The whole night I just kept asking if I was supposed to help them or if it was my place to help them. Sometimes when people are mad talking about God just makes them madder. Or if you're a child, you usually do not have as much wisdom as your parents. Anyway, I had to get this out because it's been a critical change in the way I view God. It makes sense that so many of my friends truly love God. His heart is so different than ours. It's so accepting and forgiving. My parents went to bed mad, but hopefully God will change their hearts. I know He can if they let Him. I believe it.

so this was long, and needed. Thanks blog.