Grant

so that picture from my last blog is really weird and kinda disturbing, but oh well. I'm back at home. I had a long time to think of blogs to write on my way back from Pensacola. Grant was awesome and i got to hold him quite a bit. he was much smaller than I imagined him and so helpless. My dad pointed out that he literally would die if we didnt' take care of him. It was strange to think that my sister had that much responsibility, but she handled it really well. She fed him like crazy, which was a little awkward at times. He was really good though. He rarely cried and loved to just look at lights or peoples faces. His diapers, clothes, and fingers were so small. It was awesome. kids are good.

This was everyone's favorite pic. I didn't like it b/c i didn't set my white balance before, but oh well.

I believe it.

So the past few weeks have been almost a really hard time. Many people would see my past few months and think it to be the time of my life. I suppose there are parts that are, but what no one else sees has been killing me.
( I looked up choking in google images and found this. I was thinking more along the lines of something else, but couldn't pass this up.)

Relationships have been the main thing that have been killing me. I'm asking if I have the right ones, who I should pursue more, which ones I'm leaving out, and so on. There's a million different aspects I could be looking at. Marriage has also been a hot topic in my mind's flow. I want to know if I'll still be in love at 50. Who will it be? When will I know? So many questions that I am allowing myself to dwell on and be weighed down by. It's pointless you know? Only God knows. That sounds cliche and it is, but it's time that I start believing it.

Tonight my parents had a big fight. Usually this would not be a surprise because they are pretty much total opposites. The problem tonight was that I realized that this was bigger. A past event was brought up today and my whole view was changed. It wasn't anything any of you would think was major but it had significance to me. There was an issue of trust that had been broken and neither party had really moved past it. No one cheated on the other just for you people that want to know every detail. Don't let your minds get too crazy, haha. Anyway, I just heard them screaming at each other and luckily my room is right next door to theirs (sarcasm is falling thick on that last part). I just started praying. I wanted to call someone, but I knew everyone I knew would be asleep. I also knew that I could call anyway, but simply didn't want to. So I prayed. I cried out to the last person or ear that would listen, God.

It felt good to be a little upset at God. To finally be able to express some emotion and to vent to someone who wouldn't care or try to fix me just yet. It's the same kind of relationship that you have in sales. If there is no pressure then people want to buy. They like you so they buy things and essentially TRUST you. So I knew that God was not pressuring me, but I knew that I wanted to trust him because he did not force me to. This is probably really old news to most of you because I feel as if I'm a bit behind in catching up to God.

After praying in my room I felt sick, so I went for a drive. I told my parents I'd be right back, but I don't think they were too concerned about me anyway. They were super pissed at each other. I drove to my old church and had a cigar while the ice on my windows defrosted. I continued my prayers to heal my mom and dad. I wanted them to know that they didn't have to be mad at each other. They could honestly work through their grudges and lack of trust by both forgiving each other and themselves. I wanted God to intervene and just fix the situation. It's so easy for him to do it, and yet he doesn't. Until we want it or what usually happens, we need it, he stays out of it. Well, I finished my cigar and then drove some back roads by my ex-girlfriend's house. I love driving on that road. I came back home and opened up a Bible I had from middle school. It was a teenage Bible that has cartoons and funny parts like that. Inside the cover there was a handout that was about forgiveness. Now what are the freaking chances that I would leave my other Bible at school, pick up this Bible, and on the same night my parents were having a fight about forgiveness find a hand out explaining the whole process.

The whole night I just kept asking if I was supposed to help them or if it was my place to help them. Sometimes when people are mad talking about God just makes them madder. Or if you're a child, you usually do not have as much wisdom as your parents. Anyway, I had to get this out because it's been a critical change in the way I view God. It makes sense that so many of my friends truly love God. His heart is so different than ours. It's so accepting and forgiving. My parents went to bed mad, but hopefully God will change their hearts. I know He can if they let Him. I believe it.

so this was long, and needed. Thanks blog.

If I'm falling asleep in the car I could...

-listen to the hoedown throwdown and do the movements in my car while driving.
-turn it on the coldest setting and freeze my legs so that i'm shivering.
-stick my head out the window like a dog, in the rain...
-drink a 5 hour energy
-talk to myself.

Those are things I actually did to keep myself awake. The last one though...hmmm. There were times in my trip when I would be thinking about a situation or conversation and then just finish my thought verbally. I would imagine a conversation with someone, then just randomly hear myself talking out loud. It was so strange. It was the closest thing I've had to an out of body experience.

I'm also very tired. good night.

College Rules

Seriously whoever thought of College, THANK YOU!

Today I...

skipped chapel and woke up at 10:30
Went to lunch and hung out with friends
class ...succks, but I only have one today
went to the bank with Will and talked, it was helpful and enlightening
worked out with Bill
interviewed my manager for an assignment
went to dinner
studied with Lauren at Main and Maple
went to Wal-Mart to and talked with Lauren, again helpful and enlightening
small group with Jon Cypher, James Torell, Josh Ensign, Greg Haseloff, Jeff O'Field, Sam Miller, and ate cream cheese chocolate truffles and a tin full of popcorn
tried to play volleyball, but the other team never showed (chickens)
went back to my apartment to find Jake Stevenson and Jordan Noble doing homework
talked with Bill about life (these are always great)
went to Taco Bell with Bill and Noble, (Bill sat in the middle and Jordan played obscene/ridiculous music selections including: Halo, I'm on a Boat, Lollipop, some country songs....you get the picture
then we threw water balloons at people who happened to be out later than curfew
wrote a 3-5 page interview
wrote a blog
slept

see college rocks. What a fun day of quality time and completing my schoolwork!

The only downfall is that I'll probably regret this tomorrow when I wake up.

Our minds are amazing

Isn't it strange how we "psych" ourselves out?
Just a simple thought in the morning can dicatate what type of day we want to have. Sure there may be instances that happen throughout the day that are not good, but our minds can still overpower that. Take for example this 10 page research paper I had to do on Korean culture. It drained me because I'm so used to having nothing to do. I was not able to hang out with my friends or really relax because I procrastinated and did all 10 pages in 2 days. (I know that most of you hate me because that is 1 of 5 assignments I've had this semester, but hey, it's all relative right?)

Anyway it can also make us think that the paper is huge and we'll never finish it. The fear just strikes through us as we re-read the syllabus for the 7th time that says 10-15 pages minimum.

Daunting eh? Once we start writing it still looks as if we'll never finish, but if you just keep going one small word/sentence/paragraph/page at a time BOOM the paper arrives complete. Anyway I'm just really happy that it is done. That's all. peace.