So the comment that Jack left on my last post really got me to thinking. I do love to talk out loud and bounce off ideas. The problem comes when I change my mind about something that I was just talking about and don't tell the receiver of the last message. I feel like that happens a lot, but I don't want to appear the type of person that always flip flops or is apparently unstable. It would be much easier if I could wear a sign that told the world my plight. Perhaps that is the root of why I don't usually like to talk things out with people. Usually conversation comes about from an issue, and then the natural tendency is to fix it. What happens in my situation is that all the parties involved in the conversation narrow down a few of many possible solutions. We plan a course of action and then I leave the group to think on my own. After all the talking I begin to wander down all of the avenues previously discussed and realize that I want to take an entirely different route. It's crazy and I'm sure it's frustrating to most people, but that's me. You would think that now that I know this about myself I would try to express it in a better way, but here lies another dilemma.
I feel like over the years from not reading books and relying on shortcuts in writing that my ability to intelligently and effectively communicate has dwindled. Every time I write a paper for a class I know that the sentences have poor structure, are wordy, or just plain bad. When I try to express myself all that comes out are cliches and stupid metaphors. I admire people so much that are purely intelligent. I love listening to conversations that are witty and quick. When people are able to describe with an unlimited vocabulary and make their statements so clear it just excites me. I have this craving desire to become intellectual again. It's strange just like my scenario above, but this one is an easier beast to take on.
Finally, sPain.
"Don't leave your last semester!"
If I hear that one more time I'm transferring or dropping out. Not really, I'm being dramatic. I just don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to have to make decisions or to worry about things. I just want God to clearly lay out my life and give me an either-or situation. I want security in knowing that I'm making the right decisions and surrounding myself with the right people and the right situations. Will my parents have to spend more money even though I could have graduated in December and saved them $11,346? Am I going to be that selfish? The thing that really sucks is I feel as if I don't appreciate my parents enough right now and in a few years I'm going to feel terrible about it. I feel it, but I don't act on it. I know that I'm stupid for spending money and not really caring about my grades, but right now it's so hard to get out of this cavern of myself. I can see the opening that can take me to color and out of dreariness, but instead I just choose to stay here. So stupid.
Yes Spain will be a life-changing experience, but it will also be so hard to just cut off interactions with people from Asbury until I come back to graduation. Then, I will never see some of those people ever again! How ridiculous and crazy is college. Best time of our lives, well right now it's just so much to handle. I don't want sympathy and I don't want advice. All I want is to move to the next chapter. I just want to skip ahead a little and leave all this crap behind. I want to move to marriage, steady job, whatever that looks like. I'm not desperate for wife, but I am ready to see what she and my kids look like. It's like I'm wishing for a ten year advance on my life. The card that says, move ahead ten spaces. Just get me out of right now. That's what I really feel like. I love my blog because I can truly write anything and then leave it. I don't have to erase it or hide it, whoever wants to read it can, but then I don't have to care about it. It's done, out there, public, and I do not care. It's great. Thanks Jack for helping me to see how this can be a sort of exercise for my decision making. If I don't feel like talking to someone, I can simply write it down and think through it somewhat on my own.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Baggage Departure
So my new manager, Sheridan came into town yesterday. It was good to see him, Travis, and Simba all together again. To be such good friends, we really don't see each other much. It's strange how we can just pick up things like we haven't been away from each other for 3 months.
By the way I'm sitting in photography learning about the first photos and how they were created. Exciting. NOT.
Ok sorry. We had a meeting yesterday and it really challenged me in theory. So many times I go to meetings, church, or seminars that challenge me. They honestly challenge me to change and to be different. The problem lies with continuing the pattern and keeping my life consistent. We talked about how to let go of our baggage yesterday, mainly the summer. We cannot dwell on the summer and what we did wrong or else when those fears come back to us next summer, we will have the worries of the new summer and the ones from old summer. Sheridan helped us grasp the concept by explaining that we do this all the time with relationships (old girlfriends), grades, and all kinds of normal life events. To unload that baggage it's tough for me to decide who and when to talk about it.
Sometimes my issues or problems can be solved on my own. Other times I need to get another opinion in order to really see the big picture. My problem is figuring out what problems to share and what problems need to be fixed internally. There are plenty of things that we could ask other people, but ultimately the decision to be made has to be our own. However, there are other things that I keep inside and really I should be getting help with. My default is just to keep things in because it seems like every time I share something my opinion changes. It's like I tell someone my situation and they figure out the variables and my stances on each of these variables, but then it changes as soon as I leave the meeting. Simply by verbalizing my options and which one I lean toward, my mind becomes open to the other side. So the person I just talked to thought my view was from one point, but then I switch feel as if that whole conversation was a waste. Anyway, I also feel like my blogs and even my communicating in general has become vague. I feel like I can't express my self in the way that want and the messages I send are often blurry.
One last thing. I read another blog that had a cool idea. The main thing is this question: What's one risk you can take this week to make the world a better place?
By the way I'm sitting in photography learning about the first photos and how they were created. Exciting. NOT.
Ok sorry. We had a meeting yesterday and it really challenged me in theory. So many times I go to meetings, church, or seminars that challenge me. They honestly challenge me to change and to be different. The problem lies with continuing the pattern and keeping my life consistent. We talked about how to let go of our baggage yesterday, mainly the summer. We cannot dwell on the summer and what we did wrong or else when those fears come back to us next summer, we will have the worries of the new summer and the ones from old summer. Sheridan helped us grasp the concept by explaining that we do this all the time with relationships (old girlfriends), grades, and all kinds of normal life events. To unload that baggage it's tough for me to decide who and when to talk about it.
Sometimes my issues or problems can be solved on my own. Other times I need to get another opinion in order to really see the big picture. My problem is figuring out what problems to share and what problems need to be fixed internally. There are plenty of things that we could ask other people, but ultimately the decision to be made has to be our own. However, there are other things that I keep inside and really I should be getting help with. My default is just to keep things in because it seems like every time I share something my opinion changes. It's like I tell someone my situation and they figure out the variables and my stances on each of these variables, but then it changes as soon as I leave the meeting. Simply by verbalizing my options and which one I lean toward, my mind becomes open to the other side. So the person I just talked to thought my view was from one point, but then I switch feel as if that whole conversation was a waste. Anyway, I also feel like my blogs and even my communicating in general has become vague. I feel like I can't express my self in the way that want and the messages I send are often blurry.
One last thing. I read another blog that had a cool idea. The main thing is this question: What's one risk you can take this week to make the world a better place?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)