Our minds are amazing

Isn't it strange how we "psych" ourselves out?
Just a simple thought in the morning can dicatate what type of day we want to have. Sure there may be instances that happen throughout the day that are not good, but our minds can still overpower that. Take for example this 10 page research paper I had to do on Korean culture. It drained me because I'm so used to having nothing to do. I was not able to hang out with my friends or really relax because I procrastinated and did all 10 pages in 2 days. (I know that most of you hate me because that is 1 of 5 assignments I've had this semester, but hey, it's all relative right?)

Anyway it can also make us think that the paper is huge and we'll never finish it. The fear just strikes through us as we re-read the syllabus for the 7th time that says 10-15 pages minimum.

Daunting eh? Once we start writing it still looks as if we'll never finish, but if you just keep going one small word/sentence/paragraph/page at a time BOOM the paper arrives complete. Anyway I'm just really happy that it is done. That's all. peace.

I usually hate these, but it's music and I haven't blogged in a while.

The rules:

1. Write down the title and the artist.

2. The songs have to be in English; it's universal.

Personal

Top 40s at the moment

I started doing essentials but then just copied from my "Recently Played" playlist from iTunes.

"Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus

"You Belong with Me" by Taylor Swift

"Meteor Shower" by Owl City
"Home" Dave Barnes
"Safe" Phil Wickham
"Battlefield" Jordin Sparks
"Friends, Lovers, or Nothing" John Mayer
Let's Go 2:40 Cartel
Whatcha Say 3:43 Jason DeRulo
Crazy Love 3:31 Michael Bublé
Haven't Met You Yet 4:05 Michael Bublé
Jackson 3:08 Dave Barnes
Whoa Oh! (Me Vs. Everyone) 3:25 Forever The Sickest Kids
Hey Brittany 3:05 Forever The Sickest Kids
12 String Guitar (Working) Rookie
Down (feat. Lil Wayne) 3:32 Jay Sean
On a Night Like This 2:01 Dave Barnes
I Have and Always Will 4:05 Dave Barnes
Lucky with Jason Mraz 3:12 Colbie Caillat
Move Along 4:00 The All-American Rejects
The Kill 3:21 Ben Rector
The Sophomore 2:42 Ben Rector
Associated 3:23 Ben Rector
The Feeling 4:13 Ben Rector
Hank 3:23 Ben Rector
Ready For Change 3:52 Ben Rector
After All 3:53 Ben Rector
Early Morning Riser 3:12 Ben Rector
When She Comes Around 3:32 Ben Rector
Thank God I Miss You 2:48 Ben Rector
Untitled 2:29 Ben Rector
Need You Tonight 3:36 Ben Rector
More Than A Man 3:35 Dave Barnes
Greyhound 2:13 Dave Barnes
The Way She Moves 3:43 Forever The Sickest Kids
Stay Away 4:20 Dave Barnes
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas 2:12 Relient K
Sleigh Ride 3:33 Relient K
Early Birdie 4:16 Owl City
Fireflies 3:48 Owl City
Hello Seattle 2:58 Owl City
Designer Skyline 3:29 Owl City
This Is The Future 2:53 Owl City
The Airway 3:23 Owl City
Captains And Cruise Ships 3:28 Owl City
West Coast Friendship 4:06 Owl City

3 songs to represent my current feelings

"Thankful" Kelly Clarkson
"London" Brandon Heath
"Relax" Frankie Goes to Hollywood (zoolander song. It was the only song I could think of that had like sleep/relaxation type themes. I do not want this to represent me in any sexual shape, form or fashion.)

Spontaneous

Wedding: "I want to be your man" Roger

Sexy: "Mrs. Officer" Lil' Wayne

I hate my ex; he's a real jerk: "I hate everything" Three Days Grace

R&B Night: "Love in this Club" Usher

Diamond: "Diamonds from Sierra Leone" Kanye West

Eccentric: "Hotel Song" Regina Spektor

British: "She Moves in Her Own Way" The Kooks

Adorable: "Wonderful" Everclear


Wow that took way longer than I was expecting. Skype is wonderful, and Mac makes skype even more wonderful with the built in mic and webcam. Music rules and so does Thanksgiving. Families are awesome/irritating especially around Holidays. My sister had contractions tonight, but probably no baby until next week. I will be an uncle. WTF. haha. peace out.

I have a test tomorrow!

And I haven't been studying! Surprise, surprise, here I am at 1 in the morning not studying for a test. My motivation and brain is on it's way to after college. I am so over writing ten page papers and studying for information that may not even make it to my paper tomorrow much less years after I graduate. I honestly don't know why God has chosen to bless me with such grace in my classes.

Time is everything because everything comes through time. Have you ever wanted to come up with a simple but deep saying? I just wanted to and I tried, maybe that moves you or means something to you but I'm not deleting it.

Goodnight,

hgh

photography

is my anti-drug. haha just kidding.

I really feel as if I can use photography as a get away though. Everything that is stressful or troublesome is suddenly washed away when I just drive somewhere and start taking pictures. All that matters is that my mind goes into creative mode and i just start to soak in my immediate surroundings. That's the great part about it. No one really sees what I see until that little button gets pushed. I wish I could just be invisible and take pictures of anything and everything. Don't let your mind get crazy, you know what I mean. I just want people to be normal and for it never to seem awkward to take a picture. I have discovered that most people enjoy their picture being taken because they know it is part a memory collection that they do not have to work on. I'll just upload it to Facebook and it's line an online scrapbook for them.

I really don't mind doing it, but sometimes you only want to show people the good pictures. If it so happens that you don't get any then you have in a sense failed for that shoot. That's the frustrating part and that is also what keeps me from taking pictures all the time. Here's a connection I just made. I am known for throwing frisbee and for playing music anywhere and everywhere. I love those things. I know that I have the equipment to play the music and the skill to not make myself look like a fool throwing the frisebee. Therefore, I feel confident to do them in front of anyone and to share my music with everyone. I would love it if my photography skills could reach that level of security. I want to know that when I press the button, the outcome will be great or at least acceptable. I want it to stand out and to say something about who I am and what I see. Actually that last sentence was getting too deep but I don't want to delete it.

Anyway, life is good if we want it to be. Some days it doesn't make sense why people choose not to enjoy their day. Our circumstances will happen no matter what, but how we react to those makes the wheels in our life turn.

Legs on fire and this blog doesn't really make sense.

Wow. Frisbee ruled today, but my legs hate me now. The funny thing is, they don't hurt nearly as much as my new friend Travis Gosnell's ankle does. It was ridiculous. I went to watch his and James' intramural basketball game only to find Travis laying on the floor with his ankle at a sharp 90 degree angle. So crazy.

Anyway, after spending some great time talking with James at the hospital I began to realize the great things God has done in my life. He placed so many cool people for me to be around and be influenced by in order to change me. I have this desire to help people and to simply respect people from being around the group of friends that I have. Dangit. I had so many great ideas while driving back from the hospital that I wanted to write about and now they are running away from me.

Tangent: well i want to just let words flow and not care about the transition. I want to not worry about grammar or spelling or even using capitals. my problems are not really problems they are simply lacking trust in God. i really create my own problems from doubting God's ability. It's crazy it really is. why can't i just trust that he will change me and he will be there for me no matter what? I want to help people so bad, but at this point am not able. I have all these crazy ideas in my head, but don't know how to make them real. I worry about my future in terms of a job, wife, kids, family, financial stability, but why? God will work out all of that if I just trust him and love as many people I can. I complicate things and beat myself for things I can't control. It's silly and stupid, but it's what I do. Ok but seriously it's almost two. I should go for now.

Verbal thinking

So the comment that Jack left on my last post really got me to thinking. I do love to talk out loud and bounce off ideas. The problem comes when I change my mind about something that I was just talking about and don't tell the receiver of the last message. I feel like that happens a lot, but I don't want to appear the type of person that always flip flops or is apparently unstable. It would be much easier if I could wear a sign that told the world my plight. Perhaps that is the root of why I don't usually like to talk things out with people. Usually conversation comes about from an issue, and then the natural tendency is to fix it. What happens in my situation is that all the parties involved in the conversation narrow down a few of many possible solutions. We plan a course of action and then I leave the group to think on my own. After all the talking I begin to wander down all of the avenues previously discussed and realize that I want to take an entirely different route. It's crazy and I'm sure it's frustrating to most people, but that's me. You would think that now that I know this about myself I would try to express it in a better way, but here lies another dilemma.

I feel like over the years from not reading books and relying on shortcuts in writing that my ability to intelligently and effectively communicate has dwindled. Every time I write a paper for a class I know that the sentences have poor structure, are wordy, or just plain bad. When I try to express myself all that comes out are cliches and stupid metaphors. I admire people so much that are purely intelligent. I love listening to conversations that are witty and quick. When people are able to describe with an unlimited vocabulary and make their statements so clear it just excites me. I have this craving desire to become intellectual again. It's strange just like my scenario above, but this one is an easier beast to take on.

Finally, sPain.
"Don't leave your last semester!"
If I hear that one more time I'm transferring or dropping out. Not really, I'm being dramatic. I just don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to have to make decisions or to worry about things. I just want God to clearly lay out my life and give me an either-or situation. I want security in knowing that I'm making the right decisions and surrounding myself with the right people and the right situations. Will my parents have to spend more money even though I could have graduated in December and saved them $11,346? Am I going to be that selfish? The thing that really sucks is I feel as if I don't appreciate my parents enough right now and in a few years I'm going to feel terrible about it. I feel it, but I don't act on it. I know that I'm stupid for spending money and not really caring about my grades, but right now it's so hard to get out of this cavern of myself. I can see the opening that can take me to color and out of dreariness, but instead I just choose to stay here. So stupid.

Yes Spain will be a life-changing experience, but it will also be so hard to just cut off interactions with people from Asbury until I come back to graduation. Then, I will never see some of those people ever again! How ridiculous and crazy is college. Best time of our lives, well right now it's just so much to handle. I don't want sympathy and I don't want advice. All I want is to move to the next chapter. I just want to skip ahead a little and leave all this crap behind. I want to move to marriage, steady job, whatever that looks like. I'm not desperate for wife, but I am ready to see what she and my kids look like. It's like I'm wishing for a ten year advance on my life. The card that says, move ahead ten spaces. Just get me out of right now. That's what I really feel like. I love my blog because I can truly write anything and then leave it. I don't have to erase it or hide it, whoever wants to read it can, but then I don't have to care about it. It's done, out there, public, and I do not care. It's great. Thanks Jack for helping me to see how this can be a sort of exercise for my decision making. If I don't feel like talking to someone, I can simply write it down and think through it somewhat on my own.

Baggage Departure

So my new manager, Sheridan came into town yesterday. It was good to see him, Travis, and Simba all together again. To be such good friends, we really don't see each other much. It's strange how we can just pick up things like we haven't been away from each other for 3 months.

By the way I'm sitting in photography learning about the first photos and how they were created. Exciting. NOT.

Ok sorry. We had a meeting yesterday and it really challenged me in theory. So many times I go to meetings, church, or seminars that challenge me. They honestly challenge me to change and to be different. The problem lies with continuing the pattern and keeping my life consistent. We talked about how to let go of our baggage yesterday, mainly the summer. We cannot dwell on the summer and what we did wrong or else when those fears come back to us next summer, we will have the worries of the new summer and the ones from old summer. Sheridan helped us grasp the concept by explaining that we do this all the time with relationships (old girlfriends), grades, and all kinds of normal life events. To unload that baggage it's tough for me to decide who and when to talk about it.

Sometimes my issues or problems can be solved on my own. Other times I need to get another opinion in order to really see the big picture. My problem is figuring out what problems to share and what problems need to be fixed internally. There are plenty of things that we could ask other people, but ultimately the decision to be made has to be our own. However, there are other things that I keep inside and really I should be getting help with. My default is just to keep things in because it seems like every time I share something my opinion changes. It's like I tell someone my situation and they figure out the variables and my stances on each of these variables, but then it changes as soon as I leave the meeting. Simply by verbalizing my options and which one I lean toward, my mind becomes open to the other side. So the person I just talked to thought my view was from one point, but then I switch feel as if that whole conversation was a waste. Anyway, I also feel like my blogs and even my communicating in general has become vague. I feel like I can't express my self in the way that want and the messages I send are often blurry.

One last thing. I read another blog that had a cool idea. The main thing is this question: What's one risk you can take this week to make the world a better place?