photography

is my anti-drug. haha just kidding.

I really feel as if I can use photography as a get away though. Everything that is stressful or troublesome is suddenly washed away when I just drive somewhere and start taking pictures. All that matters is that my mind goes into creative mode and i just start to soak in my immediate surroundings. That's the great part about it. No one really sees what I see until that little button gets pushed. I wish I could just be invisible and take pictures of anything and everything. Don't let your mind get crazy, you know what I mean. I just want people to be normal and for it never to seem awkward to take a picture. I have discovered that most people enjoy their picture being taken because they know it is part a memory collection that they do not have to work on. I'll just upload it to Facebook and it's line an online scrapbook for them.

I really don't mind doing it, but sometimes you only want to show people the good pictures. If it so happens that you don't get any then you have in a sense failed for that shoot. That's the frustrating part and that is also what keeps me from taking pictures all the time. Here's a connection I just made. I am known for throwing frisbee and for playing music anywhere and everywhere. I love those things. I know that I have the equipment to play the music and the skill to not make myself look like a fool throwing the frisebee. Therefore, I feel confident to do them in front of anyone and to share my music with everyone. I would love it if my photography skills could reach that level of security. I want to know that when I press the button, the outcome will be great or at least acceptable. I want it to stand out and to say something about who I am and what I see. Actually that last sentence was getting too deep but I don't want to delete it.

Anyway, life is good if we want it to be. Some days it doesn't make sense why people choose not to enjoy their day. Our circumstances will happen no matter what, but how we react to those makes the wheels in our life turn.

Legs on fire and this blog doesn't really make sense.

Wow. Frisbee ruled today, but my legs hate me now. The funny thing is, they don't hurt nearly as much as my new friend Travis Gosnell's ankle does. It was ridiculous. I went to watch his and James' intramural basketball game only to find Travis laying on the floor with his ankle at a sharp 90 degree angle. So crazy.

Anyway, after spending some great time talking with James at the hospital I began to realize the great things God has done in my life. He placed so many cool people for me to be around and be influenced by in order to change me. I have this desire to help people and to simply respect people from being around the group of friends that I have. Dangit. I had so many great ideas while driving back from the hospital that I wanted to write about and now they are running away from me.

Tangent: well i want to just let words flow and not care about the transition. I want to not worry about grammar or spelling or even using capitals. my problems are not really problems they are simply lacking trust in God. i really create my own problems from doubting God's ability. It's crazy it really is. why can't i just trust that he will change me and he will be there for me no matter what? I want to help people so bad, but at this point am not able. I have all these crazy ideas in my head, but don't know how to make them real. I worry about my future in terms of a job, wife, kids, family, financial stability, but why? God will work out all of that if I just trust him and love as many people I can. I complicate things and beat myself for things I can't control. It's silly and stupid, but it's what I do. Ok but seriously it's almost two. I should go for now.

Verbal thinking

So the comment that Jack left on my last post really got me to thinking. I do love to talk out loud and bounce off ideas. The problem comes when I change my mind about something that I was just talking about and don't tell the receiver of the last message. I feel like that happens a lot, but I don't want to appear the type of person that always flip flops or is apparently unstable. It would be much easier if I could wear a sign that told the world my plight. Perhaps that is the root of why I don't usually like to talk things out with people. Usually conversation comes about from an issue, and then the natural tendency is to fix it. What happens in my situation is that all the parties involved in the conversation narrow down a few of many possible solutions. We plan a course of action and then I leave the group to think on my own. After all the talking I begin to wander down all of the avenues previously discussed and realize that I want to take an entirely different route. It's crazy and I'm sure it's frustrating to most people, but that's me. You would think that now that I know this about myself I would try to express it in a better way, but here lies another dilemma.

I feel like over the years from not reading books and relying on shortcuts in writing that my ability to intelligently and effectively communicate has dwindled. Every time I write a paper for a class I know that the sentences have poor structure, are wordy, or just plain bad. When I try to express myself all that comes out are cliches and stupid metaphors. I admire people so much that are purely intelligent. I love listening to conversations that are witty and quick. When people are able to describe with an unlimited vocabulary and make their statements so clear it just excites me. I have this craving desire to become intellectual again. It's strange just like my scenario above, but this one is an easier beast to take on.

Finally, sPain.
"Don't leave your last semester!"
If I hear that one more time I'm transferring or dropping out. Not really, I'm being dramatic. I just don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to have to make decisions or to worry about things. I just want God to clearly lay out my life and give me an either-or situation. I want security in knowing that I'm making the right decisions and surrounding myself with the right people and the right situations. Will my parents have to spend more money even though I could have graduated in December and saved them $11,346? Am I going to be that selfish? The thing that really sucks is I feel as if I don't appreciate my parents enough right now and in a few years I'm going to feel terrible about it. I feel it, but I don't act on it. I know that I'm stupid for spending money and not really caring about my grades, but right now it's so hard to get out of this cavern of myself. I can see the opening that can take me to color and out of dreariness, but instead I just choose to stay here. So stupid.

Yes Spain will be a life-changing experience, but it will also be so hard to just cut off interactions with people from Asbury until I come back to graduation. Then, I will never see some of those people ever again! How ridiculous and crazy is college. Best time of our lives, well right now it's just so much to handle. I don't want sympathy and I don't want advice. All I want is to move to the next chapter. I just want to skip ahead a little and leave all this crap behind. I want to move to marriage, steady job, whatever that looks like. I'm not desperate for wife, but I am ready to see what she and my kids look like. It's like I'm wishing for a ten year advance on my life. The card that says, move ahead ten spaces. Just get me out of right now. That's what I really feel like. I love my blog because I can truly write anything and then leave it. I don't have to erase it or hide it, whoever wants to read it can, but then I don't have to care about it. It's done, out there, public, and I do not care. It's great. Thanks Jack for helping me to see how this can be a sort of exercise for my decision making. If I don't feel like talking to someone, I can simply write it down and think through it somewhat on my own.

Baggage Departure

So my new manager, Sheridan came into town yesterday. It was good to see him, Travis, and Simba all together again. To be such good friends, we really don't see each other much. It's strange how we can just pick up things like we haven't been away from each other for 3 months.

By the way I'm sitting in photography learning about the first photos and how they were created. Exciting. NOT.

Ok sorry. We had a meeting yesterday and it really challenged me in theory. So many times I go to meetings, church, or seminars that challenge me. They honestly challenge me to change and to be different. The problem lies with continuing the pattern and keeping my life consistent. We talked about how to let go of our baggage yesterday, mainly the summer. We cannot dwell on the summer and what we did wrong or else when those fears come back to us next summer, we will have the worries of the new summer and the ones from old summer. Sheridan helped us grasp the concept by explaining that we do this all the time with relationships (old girlfriends), grades, and all kinds of normal life events. To unload that baggage it's tough for me to decide who and when to talk about it.

Sometimes my issues or problems can be solved on my own. Other times I need to get another opinion in order to really see the big picture. My problem is figuring out what problems to share and what problems need to be fixed internally. There are plenty of things that we could ask other people, but ultimately the decision to be made has to be our own. However, there are other things that I keep inside and really I should be getting help with. My default is just to keep things in because it seems like every time I share something my opinion changes. It's like I tell someone my situation and they figure out the variables and my stances on each of these variables, but then it changes as soon as I leave the meeting. Simply by verbalizing my options and which one I lean toward, my mind becomes open to the other side. So the person I just talked to thought my view was from one point, but then I switch feel as if that whole conversation was a waste. Anyway, I also feel like my blogs and even my communicating in general has become vague. I feel like I can't express my self in the way that want and the messages I send are often blurry.

One last thing. I read another blog that had a cool idea. The main thing is this question: What's one risk you can take this week to make the world a better place?

If you couldn't figure it out, I never edit my blogs.

Alright so I was sitting somewhere in the seminary tonight reading "Building the Bridge as You Walk on It." It was a great book and a great time. I had so many thoughts about what I wanted to blog about but now I can't really think of them. It's kind of a bummer, but I wanted to just write anyway. I'm not sure what about or why, I just feel like it. I guess reading that book really inspired me to try to get my life back on track. This whole semester, I have been trying to put the principles I learned from the summer into my life here. This task becomes difficult because I am under different circumstances and a totally different schedule for sure. It's tough to be motivated and want to work hard when you know that you really can have a ton of fun. That's when I decided that I was going to have no matter what I do this year. It just kind of struck me that I'll have the rest of my life to work and to be serious if I want to be. Right now is the time when I can get by with sitting around or going for a drive. I can play golf, frisbee, or just take pictures whenever I want. No other time in my life will I have this much freedom and so little responsibility. I'm going to soak it up. Every second will be commanded how it will be spent and I won't regret it. Sure bad things will happen and slow times will come, but if you know about and expect those things, then when they do occur, they aren't nearly as big as an unexpected turn. This probably isn't making sense to most of you because I'm falling asleep as I write.

There was one other thing I wanted to talk about. I just remembered it. The use of "I" in my blog appears so frequently. Part of me said, man I'm so vain when I blog. But the other part said, it's my blog about me, so why wouldn't it have a lot about me? Anyway, here we go. You always heaer about those people that just finally get it. They understand their calling or they break free of some oppression from their life. In the book I read tonight, a woman freed herself from an abusive relationship simply by giving herself the option of having worth and to choose not to be a victim anymore. It talked about how an abuser can have no power if there is no one to abuse. This idea parallels the concept of the existence to sin. Sin cannot thrive on its own because it is simply a perversion of good. Without good there can be no evil. Any way, it just made me think about having my moment. When will I know what i want from life. I mean really know. When will God choose to tell me my purpose and what really drives my life. Here's where the bragging comes in. I've always felt that I pick up on things fairly quickly, but never really excel at any certain activity. I want to learn quickly what my purpose is and where God wants me to go. I'm ready to go anywhere and do anything with anyone, I just need a general direction to head towards. Hopefully it will be Florida or Hawaii... Farewell for now, my leg is burning so hopefully the sleep will lull it away.

So what have I been up to?

Blogging is great. It really is, however, I've found something that helps me unwind a lot more. You see earlier tonight I was wishing for a way to get away, but then remembered that I had photography stuff due tomorrow (thanks DJ).

So I got the assignment for tomorrow done, but wanted to get ahead on my landscape shot. I drove out to 68, went into Wesley village to try to grab some shots, but there was nothing there for me. I heard a siren while I was in there and while i was pulling out, an ambulance pulled in. I hope whoever it was they were coming for turned out to be alright. Then, I went to Bethel Point Neighborhood because I was trying to find somewhere high to take the picture from. One night we drove around there and found this huuuuge pile of dirt and Marie-Claire and DJ kind of dared me to go to the top of it. It was one of those situations that started with, "You won't...." So of course I did. But there again, no pictures were to be found. As I was driving around that neighborhood, I saw these lights over the train tracks and there just so happened to be a ladder on the side of the lights, so I climbed up, but still there weren't any quality viewpoints from up there. So off I drove back down 68 and onto 169. It turned out to have lots of potential but by this time, the sun was going down and the landscape shots were fleeting. I took a few pictures and played around making light trails from cars, but also just realized how much fun it was to just take pictures. (I'll post some later, but I don't feel like getting my camera out.) I was so relaxed and just kept taking different shots with different shutter speeds and aperture openings that I didn't care that I was standing in front of a bunch of cows or taking pictures of cars that went by. I also took St. Augustine's confessions and a notebook but didn't make it to that. We also had Encounter and small group tonight which was awesome. Encounter was cool but small group is going to be sooo good. There are some really quality people and even more quality leaders in the group. I'm excited and honored to be in there group.

So what does all this mean? Well...I don't know it's just my blog. I also like Miley Cyrus's new song, "Party in the U.S.A." I don't know why, but I do. It's kind of embarrassing, but I can't help it. Wow it's 1. Peace out.

Mother Epiphany

Ok so I'm at home. Here in Mckenzie freaking Tennessee. It's not bad this time...really I'm having a good time so far. My mom and I went to watch Julie and Julia which was a great movie, if you haven't seen it, you should. It's appropriate, funny, sad, happy, and not sappy. Well not too sappy. Anyway, back to the title. I think I figured out why I dislike talking to my mom sometimes. She compliments too much. Perhaps this is more so my problem than her's, but if you know me, then you know that I hate to be complimented more than anything. While writing this blog I just realized something else. There are times when the compliments I receive are ok, for example at least 6 people said they liked the color of my shirt or it matched my skin well or whatever. I can objectively come to the conclusion that this shirt is good and so I accept it. If there is not enough data, or I do not agree with the compliment, that is when I become uncomfortable and have a hard time accepting the compliment. Dumb huh? haha. It's almost as if I don't have enough self-belief or confidence to take someone's word that I'm "good at a lot of things," or "well mannered" or anything like that. Just thought that I would share this moment of revelation with my internet world friends. Have a great weekend!